


What never ends

by accidental_damage



Series: Things will never be the same [2]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Coffee, Depression, Fake Character Death, Guilt, M/M, New Jersey, New York, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Red Haired Gerard Way, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-08-30 00:02:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 37,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8511025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accidental_damage/pseuds/accidental_damage
Summary: Four years later and he still hasn't gotten over the event that threatens to tear him apart. Much has been forgotten but those damning hazel eyes remain imprinted in his mind.





	1. Prologue

**~~~~~~Prologue~~~~~~**

_Frank lays back in his bed, staring up at the off-white ceiling above him. His eyelids droop shut but he snaps awake in seconds. Memories haunt his every being when he closes his eyes and he can't help but give into them._

_It seems like centuries had gone by since he had last slept and truth be told he doesn't deserve it. All those memories plaguing him....He'll go insane if he thinks hard enough._

_All those things he wish he could take back...the things he's said...Done. His one big mistake, though, was letting Gerard go when he still had a chance._   
_He sits up abruptly as he hears a loud knocking downstairs paired with a shrill screech of his name._

_"Frank! You fucking creep....you wuss! You ruined our lives and ended another but don't even have to balls to admit your wrong doings. Fucking coward." Jamia's voice was obvious to him but he made no effort to defend himself. What would be the point? Deep down he knew it was the truth._

_Frank doesn't pretend it doesn't hit him hard, like a punch to the stomach with an iron fist. His tears began to fall fast and hard, his sobs echoing in the air._

_~~~~~_   
_When he goes to the memorial service they're holding in Gerard's memory, he makes sure to stand in the very back where no one can spot him. It would likely cause an uproar as of how many people here are beyond angry with and today of all days he just wishes to remain in the background...Let them mourn the loss of someone close to them all._

_Despite their anger with him he had to come pay his respects ...to the boy he never knew he could love. Once everyone had begun to say goodbye and gradually left he cautiously makes his way over to the tombstone where everyone had put their flowers and other miscellaneous gifts._

_To the side of all the others he puts a bouquet of eleven roses. Four lavender, two blue, two yellows with red tips, one deep burgundy, one red, and in the middle of them all a single black one. A tear drips down his cheek, he doesn't bother to wipe it away as he feels that heavy ball of regret well up in his otherwise empty stomach._

_When he turns to leave, he spots Mikey off in the distance and Frank knows that he sees him too. He just ducks his head down and turns away._

_Frank  doesn't pretend it doesn't hurt...let's get real. Of course it fucking does. No one would listen to him when he tried to explain...but he doesn't blame them. Who would want to listen to a word he says after all that he has done?_

_When he goes back to his grandmother's she's nowhere to be found. He makes it a point to avoid everyone and everything that could ever remind him of Gerard...Everyone tries to avoid him too. He doesn't leave home much anymore, anyways._

_He doesn't really eat or sleep, all those following weeks same as the next....Everytime he shuts his deeply shadowed eyes Gerard appears with all his stupidly adorable little teeth and beautiful hazel eyes that don't sparkle anymore._

_It makes him sick to the point of actually being ill._

_He deserves the hurt. It's his fault...Gerard would still be alive right now if wasn't for him._

_He does sleep eventually though...fitful sleep that leaves him jerking awake every so often, shrieking at the agony of not being able to save Gerard. He's starting to think he'll see him soon. He looks forward to it though...any way to be able to say he's sorry even if Gerard will never forgive him._

_Sometimes Gerard even haunts him during the day...not in the darkness when he shuts his eyes but in the memories everything shows him...His bed where they had cuddled together...It makes Frank break down in fucking tears Every. Single. Time._

_In the end Frank finally finds what he needs to do....._

_~~~~_

_So he buys the ticket....A train ticket to New York to be exact. He can't be in New Jersey anymore. So many painful memories and people that wish it had been him lingered here. Frank gets on that train with not much more than a bookbag with some clothes and a little bit of cash._

_It'd have to work though. He tells no one, bidding New Jersey and everyone in it that used to care goodbye in his head for what could be the last time._

_So when he finally leaves he tries not to dwell on the past as he wills his mind to think about what the future might hold........._

 


	2. The past is cursed

**~~~~~Chapter 1~~~~~~**

_**Four years later** _

Frank sighs heavily as he props himself up against the bar counter where a blonde bartender was staring him down with unfriendly eyes and a deep frown. Why? Hell, he wouldn't know. Seems like a lot of people hated him these days.

He signals for another beer and managing to snag a seat at the bar before someone else steals it right from under him. Frank _really_ doesn't want to be here. He'd much rather be at home, watching some infomercial or trashy reality show while he waits for the night to end. Anything would be better than being here. He takes a swig of the cool beer in front of him with a grimace. There used to be days where he'd be able to drink this shit by the six pack without feeling sick but that was before.

Frank has been coerced into coming to this little hole in the wall bar by some of rather persistent coworkers of his..Come on, they said. It'll be fun! Yeah some fun.

As soon as they got here they ditched him in favor of some ditzy girls who they don't have any chance with. To make things worse, some chick has been eyeing him up since he arrived. Sorry ladies, don't swing that way. Haven't played for that team in years. All that metaphorical bullshit.

At least she hadn't tried coming over to him. You'd think that with all his tattoos and long hair, people would avoid him like the plague assuming he was some kind of no good bum. For the most part he was correct but when it came to people who weren't uptight and pretentious... well it was almost like they were attracted to him.

He takes sips of the beer in his tattooed hand every so often, glancing around the packed bar absentmindedly. Frank was growing closer and closer to abandoning them by the minute. He was pretty sure there was a Chucky marathon on tonight and if he went home now he could make it in time for Bride of Chucky.

"Ehem."

Frank jerks and turns in the direction of the cough, judging by the distance from his ear he _assumed_ someone was trying to get his attention. He immediately regrets it as he comes face to face with the woman who had been eyeing him up all night. She bats her eyelashes and giggles loudly like there was anything funny about the situation.

"Hi there."She smiles vacantly, running her thin fingers through the right side of her auburn hair,"I'm Hailey."

"I'm...Frank."He mumbles uncomfortably, shoving his hands in the pockets of his grey hoodie.

"That's a great name. _Frankkk."He_ shudders and subtly inches away from her,"I saw you standing over here all lonely for the past hour so I thought I'd come over here and keep you company."

"Okay?"Frank struggles between not rolling his eyes and making a run for it because she tries to come near him,"I'm actually about to leave so you know no point in it."

"How 'bout I come with you?" Hailey winks at him and attempts to reach out to put her hand on his arm.

"Uh...No thanks? I'll take a pass on that. I like cock not whatever you have."

Haley frowns like No is such a hard concept to grasp before her expression clears."C'mon! It'll be worth your time. More than any guy would."

"Are you fucking _deaf?_ You must be. There is no other excuse for you not to understand basic English. I said no."Frank retorts irritably, turning back to counter.

She opens her mouth as there is possibly anything left for her to say before it snaps shut again like some strange fish. He rolls his eyes and grabs his half empty bottle and drinks down most of what's left. She glares at him before stomping away like she ever had a chance. Whatever.

His coworkers probably watched the entire thing play out and would likely give him shit for 'striking out'. He doesn't give a fuck.

"Just a coke please."Frank goes tense, his head flying up as he hears that voice...the one he could never forget but hadn't heard is so, so long.

 

Frank rises to his feet, his hands trembling faintly and his eyes wide with shock as a million things fly through his mind but only one word seems to find its way out.

"Gerard."

Gerard whirls around, his fiery red hair sticking out around his head as those familiar hazel- green eyes went wide. He could barely keep from crying out at the sight of them. He never thought he'd get a chance to see them again.

Gerard had changed in the years that had passed. His once long, black hair was now medium length and fire engine red colour that could be noticed from miles away. He seemed to have grown thinner but his face..had remained the same but it was his eyes that cemented the fact that he was really here and well, _alive._

He begins to back away from Frank before taking off through the bar and before Frank knows it...He's running too. He follows Gerard out of the tiny bar and onto the dark street. Bright, blinding lights flicker on and off as sounds of police cars in the distance fill the air like most nights.

Frank chases after him for a few blocks before he falls dangerously behind, his lungs aching and his breath wheezing. He calls and shouts, pleading for him to stop but he never does. In the end, he loses him...Falling onto the trash littered ground, sucking in deep breaths searching for even a little bit of clean air in his fucked up lungs.

Fuck.

Frank kicks a stray soda can in frustration as he takes in his surroundings. Graffiti seems to litter the brick walls to either side of him and it's dark all through this trash filled alley.

Frank doesn't really care though. The fact that Gerard is alive is enough to make it all worth it. _He's alive. **He's alive**_ **.** Fills his mind and he could hardly believe it though he saw it with his very own eyes.

He doesn't really notice that he has spoken out loud until an elderly man in a multicolored dress ambles out with a raspy grumble,"Good for you. Now get the hell of my alley, hippie."

Frank happily gives him the finger as he walks out onto the nearly empty street. He doesn't even spare a thought to going back to that shithole of a bar as he heads for home.

~~~~

When he gets home, he unlocks the door to his apartment quickly and closes the metal door before anyone could have the chance to bring their nosy asses over here. People around this place seemed to like walking into other's apartments without so much as a knock. _And everyone acted like it's normal._

Frank locks his door and tosses the keys onto the coffee table before falling onto his lumpy, old couch. It had been a long, _long_ night.

_Looking back it was probably a bad idea...but it sure was fucking funny._

_Frank uncapped the black sharpie marker as he creeps over to Gerard's sleeping body. He makes sure he's asleep before he starts to write._

_He giggles quietly as he makes his way back up the stairs to the living room. It's where he waits with Star Wars: Return of the Jedi turned on lowly...Only background noise to keep him occupied until the main event._

_"Frank!!!"When he hears that telltale sign, he immediately runs for cover..Still having fits of laughter._

_He ends up in a cabinet beneath the bathroom sink. His legs are pressed up tight to his chest as if to keep his heart from beating out his chest. Frank's face is red from trying not to laugh and for once he's glad of his short stature._

_Frank doesn't have any warning as he is tugged from inside that cabinet. He ends up in the floor but can immediately tell that Gerard's not angry with him._

_"What the hell, Frank!"Gerard shrieks but Frank doesn't worry..._

_Despite the fact of what is written across his forehead, Frank is pretty sure Gerard could never be mad at him...He's not really sure why though._

_As Frank stares up at Gerard's flushed face with FRANK'S BEST FRIEND written in bold letters...He thinks he could get used to see that face everyday of his life._

_No matter how short it may be._

He jerks awake with a high pitched shriek as he nearly falls off the couch. Frank shudders as catches himself and runs a hand through his knotted black hair as if to push it out his face. He gets a hold of himself relatively quickly...He's used to this all by now. Nearly every night memories take the place of dreams...and sometimes of what could have been.

When Frank had first came here, he had been plagued by these nightmares...these...these _memories._ But now he has come to welcome them. If only just to have some kind of connection to Gerard.

Frank glances at the clock to see how fucking early in the morning it was...7:31? So about an hour before he has to go to work, he guesses.

Sitting up, he cracks his knuckles and stumbles up through the hall just as the noises from the next apartment over began like clockwork.

Frank groans as he staggers into his clean bedroom and falls down onto the bed. _Every. Fucking. Time._ About this time every morning that old cat lady starts to bang and clang about in the apartment to the right of his bedroom. He finally screams with a pound to the wall,"Shut the fuck up!" And all noise ceases.

Frank grins faintly as he picks out his work clothes, consisting of a long sleeve _collared_ white shirt and a pair of black pants. He showers quickly and by the time he's blowdrying his annoyingly long hair, it's almost time to go...Almost.

While waiting he ends up just picking out a comic book from the millions and millions he's collected. Frank sits there on his bed and by the time he finishes, it is time to go. He rushes into the living room and grabs his keys. His messenger bag knocks irritably against his side as he leaves the apartment and locks the door behind him.

~~~~

"Where'd you go off to last night?"Patrick's waxen face pops up in front of him, fedora forever intact.

"I got tired...Went home."Frank murmures, straightening up some papers on his desk and pointedly not looking up.

"You struck out didn't you?"Dallon snorts as he walks by,"I saw that girl last night. She looked pretty pissed."

Frank doesn't answer. Instead choosing to smile down at his ever messy desk as Dallon and Patrick begin bicker above him like they always did when they ended up in the same place.

He soon finds himself ignoring them, deep into the memories that he couldn't do without. Sometimes he thought they were the only thing that kept him going.

_Frank watches as Gerard snuggles up against his chest once again and he can't help but to smile at this beautiful sight. Gerard's dark brown hair stands out against his white shirt but his pale skin looks so very lovely._

_Every so often, Frank thinks Gerard will wake as he begins to stir and once or twice he thinks Gerard tries to mumble something..His thin pink lips moving so lightly but no noise finds its way out._

_Frank strokes his hair with a small smile and can't help but feel he's the luckiest guy in the world....._

 


	3. What we don't know

**~~~~Chapter Two~~~~~**

Frank found himself back at that little shithole of a bar time and time again, sometimes spending the whole night waiting for someone who would never come. Things seemed grim but he held on to some foolish hope that he could possibly see Gerard once again.

Though he spends weekend after weekend there, it only occurs to him two weeks from the original appearance to ask the bartenders.

Frank waited for a night that it's not particularly crowded and he found it best to try his luck with the blond who kept a perpetually cross expression whether he was annoyed or not. Despite first impressions he wasn't that bad to be around but wasn't the type to push around.

"Hey Mike, you'd know a regular when you see one right?" He asks offhandly, setting his glass down in front of him.

"Of course I would."Mike grunts, rolling the sleeves of his moss coloured shirt." It's part of my job description."

"Ever seen a man with neon red hair and a tendency to drink non alcoholic beverages around?" Frank inquires, attempting to seem not particularly eager about the answer.

"Comes in every few weeks to see Billy but I haven't seen him lately. You would have anything to do with that now would you?"He eyes Frank up reproachfully but Frank keeps a carefully blank face.

"No, I don't actually. It's just....Do you know his name?"

"Gerard. Wouldn't forget a name like that. You don't meet many Gerard's around this joint. And say, what's with all these questions?"

"I think we know each other from back home. I'm just looking to reconnect."Frank replies simply and though Mike seems to be looking for more details Frank said nothing further.

Unsatisfied, he walks away down the counter to serve whatever poor soul that came into this shithole on a Friday night. Frank rolls his eyes and looks down into his nearly empty glass of coke. It's nearly eleven.

He doesn't think Gerard's coming in tonight.

~~~~

It's been almost a solid month since the Gerard sighting and Frank's starting to believe that he never saw him at all. Nevermind what Mike, the bartender, said....Maybe he saw some kind of fucking doppleganger. Frank's pretty sure he heard about there be someone else who looks similarly to you in the world.

But _that_ similar though? Perhaps...Perhaps he saw a ghost from his past and that's all it was...

He ends up crying for the first time in a long, _long_ time that night. His head aches and sinuses clog up leaving him in more pain than it's worth but he sleeps harder than he has in a while...And doesn't dream at all.

Frank stays awake most nights afterwards looking back on the times when things weren't so complicated. He ends up with purplish bags under his eyes and his coworkers have become worried for his sake which really isn't like them.

_"Are you sure you're okay, Frank? You don't look so good..."Patrick asks as he pops his head over to Frank's office for the hundredth time in the past few minutes._

_"I'm fine, Pat." He sighs, running a hand through his long hair...He really needs to get it cut._

_Frank pays more attention to the paperwork on his desk, he determined to keep this searching from interfering with his responsiblities at work._

_"I'm okay."He says once again as he looks up again and sees Patrick's doubtful face accompanied by Joe's furry head._

_Joe's hair sometimes reminds him of how Ray's hair used to be in some ways...In a moment of insanity when he first met him he thought Joe actually was him and he damn near had a heart attack._

Frank keeps his head down until he knows they've left before letting out a sigh and letting his eyes slide shut....Just like old times......

"You sure you don't want to come to the gig?" Patrick asks for the hundredth time, tilting his head slightly.

"I don't want to come, Pat."He snorts, cracking his fingers after putting down the ink pen." And that puppy face you're making doesn't work on me like it does on Andy."

Patrick's face flushes a vibrant pink before he rushes out of Frank's office. It's the most sure way to get him out of Frank's office...Mentioning lover boy, Andy, that is.

Patrick had spent a long time fawning over Andy Hurley and all his colourful tattoos before Andy finally got his head out of his ass. He ended up asking an exuberant Patrick out who jumped him on the first date...according to him that is.

Frank ends up staying home that night eating a rather large bowl of vanilla ice cream. Fuck his lactose intolerance....He knows he'll pay for it later but he can't bring himself to care. He watches one or two  Saw movie and tries to keep his mind blank. 'Cause Saw is totally perfect for that! Heh.

About halfway through the second movie, his phone buzzes suddenly making him jump and curse. Frank lets it ring for a bit...knowing it's probably Patrick. It's _always_ Patrick...He doesn't even know how Patrick got his number. Hell Frank doesn't even know why he even _has_ a phone. He doesn't have any reason for it.

He finally answers it with a groan after letting ring for a while,"What is it?"

"Well hello to you too, asshole. Just thought I'd let you know...You just missed Gerard here."

"Fuck." Frank sits up, his eyes going wide.

"Yeah. he was in here just a few minutes ago but he left. By the way, he doesn't know a Frank Iero so you're probably after the wrong guy." Mike ends the call with that and Frank lets his head fall against the side of the couch arm with a dull thud.

Well...fuck. He tosses his phone carelessly somewhere and sighs, rubbing his aching head. Isn't that just his fucking luck?

Frank feels a heaviness settle into his stomach and he feels nauseous all at once. He grimaces and curls up in a tight ball of pain after setting his melting ice cream down. Could this day get any better?

~~~~~

Frank's starting to lose track of the days. Between work and being at that bar, his mind's a complete and utter wreck. He starting to think he's losing his mind. That's not a good thing. It's happened before and he almost.....

He thinks he saw Jamia on the street the other day. She had looked at him with this expression...as if attempting to recognise him from somewhere...Frank doesn't think he's ever been that frightened.

Head aches are getting more and more frequent. The worst part is...is that he's forgetting. He doesn't _want_ to forget. At the same time...Memories from when he first came to this place are pushing their way in and he can't forget them any longer...

In the darkness of the night when he's laying in his empty bed, they find their way in and he can't help the sobs that come soon after. Frank just decides not to sleep anymore.

He just about gives Patrick a heart attack when he walks in with dark purplish bags under his eyes and a misbuttoned, slightly torn shirt....Patrick thinks he got mugged and he doesn't have the energy to correct him.

_"Hey, Frank?"_

_"Yeah, Gee?"_

_Gerard turns to face him with a too far gone expression and it looks much too serious on such a young being,"We'll still be friends...in the future right?"_

_It's the age old question...He's asked it many times,"Of course, Gerard...We'll always friends...I'd be stupid to give up someone as amazing as you."_

_Gerard blushes, rosy cheeks and Frank's never seen anything more beautiful...He'd never say that to him though...Gerard would think he was weird...But he really would be stupid to let go of him...._

_All thoughts leave his mind, though, as Gerard pulls him into a bone crushing hug; black hair brushing against face. Frank sighs happily and hugs back. He's really lucky to have someone this amazing._


	4. Deceived by the pain

**~~~~Chapter Three~~~~**

Frank sighs as he rubs his aching head. One more time and he'll go _insane._ He's walked into that fucking wall twenty times already and it will surely happen again. He plops down into his rolling chair with a grimace.

"Hey Frank, can I ask you something?" Patrick's voice calls from the distance but slowly grew closer to his door.

"What is it, Pat?" Frank responds, leaning back in his mauve coloured chair.

"Why don't you like us?"

"When did I ever say that?"

"Well...Ever since you started working here you've nevered warmed up to any of us. You've only came out with us like once and we had to practically force you."Patrick rambles nervously and he can barely stifle a groan as he cuts him off.

"In all honesty Patrick...I'm not exactly the _warming up_ type of person. I don't like people and they don't like me. Besides what's the point of warming up to anybody here? If I leave I'm just going to get replaced then forgotten as quickly as that." Frank snaps his fingers.

"I..."Patrick stutters, seemingly taken back by Frank's openness."I would remember you....and so would Andy. Gabe would too 'cause like everyone knows he always wanted to do you."

"People still use that term?"

"What term?"Patrick tilts his head in that confused puppy way again and Frank can't help but roll his eyes.

"Do me. That's so...So elementary, Patrick. It's called _sex._ Everyone does it. Especially you and Andy."At that Patrick turned a rather violent shade of pink and ducked his head down.

Patrick knows exactly what he's talking about. Just after Patrick and Andy began dating they had taken to having sex in Patrick's office...Which wasn't a very bright idea considering it was right next door to Frank's. After they finished and were walking out, Frank looked out his doorway with a completely neutral expression and said,"Next time use Brian's office. You know he's never here."

It's on both their minds he can tell,"Well..." He stops himself abruptly before quietly mumbling,"I hope you come to the show tonight."

Patrick darts out of Frank's boringly beige office afterwards, leaving Frank all by his lonesome. He sighs before brushing a stray lock of hair from his face. This shit really needs a cut but he could just never find the time.

It's really not anything against Patrick, honestly, when he says he doesn't like to warm up to people. It's just how Frank is. Ever since what happened all those years back. It basically destroyed him and any want of human companionship he once had. He doesn't ever want to go through that again.

_"Why."He chokes on a frantic sob as he rocks back and forth. Back and forth...Back and forth._

_Lately, Frank can't help but to linger on all those things he's done wrong. What he could have done right. Memories of Gerard clear in his mind and he's starting to regret coming here. Back New Jersey, he'd have his grandma....Until he ended up like Gerard that is._

_His head aches with the leftover distress of his past crying that had only led to more crying. His nose feeling stuffed. Frank feels sick in the way he never did when he had actually been sick as a kid...this is more of a self loathing, foggy kind of thing. It's not like it would be any different._

_He doesn't know how much more he can take. His whole world is falling apart and he...he can't do it._

_There's a knock at his door somewhere and he can't find the strength to stand....._

Frank shudders as memories hit him like a brick wall. They say it gets easier to think back on all the hard times but now, he thinks, it only becomes more and more difficult.

Everything about those days were bad...from the a little while after he got to this wretched place. Up until now. It never got any better. Frank had just pushed it all out of his mind after he got a job because he didn't want to be fired on the first day but it was still there. All that pain, self loathing, depression....It never left.

It would probably stay with him forever. Who was he kidding? Frank had lost any chance of happiness the day they stopped being friends. He'd forgotten about it and sure as hell didn't say it when he could remember....but Gerard was his _everything._

He pushes himself from his wooden desk suddenly and stood, making a minuscule effort to straighten out his clothing before heading out of his office quickly...He needs coffee.

~~~~~~

Frank grips the opaque cup tightly as he takes a sip of his cooling coffee. It was just one of those things that seem to make everything better. No matter what it was. Then again perhaps it's just because it reminds him of Gerard and his addiction to coffee.

"Just a coffee please. No cream with a disgusting amount of sugar." Frank gasps as his eyes immediately settle on Gerard at the beginning of the line.

_Oh my god._

Gerard is handed his coffee before he begins to walk towards the door, seemingly content as a look of bliss spread over his features as he takes a sip of his steaming coffee and Frank really doesn't know what possesses him to go after him.

"Hey wait!"Frank calls once he gets to the outside. He speed walks down the sidewalk as to not alarm him by running him over or anything...if he could only get him to stop.

Gerard doesn't so much as turn around until another block away when Frank finally thinks to call his name. He stopped in his tracks and turned, his confusion evident in his expression and the way he held himself. It quickly turned to horror as his eyes went almost comically wide and his coffee splattered all over the sidewalk around him.

He begins to back away, to make a run for it he assumes but Frank reaches him before he can. Gerard attempts to walk away but frantically he grabs his arm if only to just stop him for another moment. Gerard lets out a hiss as if he's been burned and jerks away.

"I..I..."Frank stutters out, his mind suddenly blank. I thought you were dead!" He blurts out, his voice almost on the verge of cracking.

Gerard's expression quickly turns to disgust,"Yeah I bet you wish I were, you jerk. If I wanted to talk to you I would have. Your presence isn't wanted, Frank. Just leave me the hell alone." With that he leaves Frank standing there, his coffee spilling over the edges of its cup from his stiff grasp.

Frank gapes at the space Gerard only moments ago had inhabited before sinking down onto the chalk stained ground and drew his knees up to his chest. What...what just happened?

That couldn't have just happened....No. No. No...No. It wasn't supposed to end this way.

~~~~

Frank is still sitting there when nightfall comes, seemingly lifeless to all that passed by. It was Joe that found him there, somehow, and as worried questions found Frank his expression turned to one of hurt and warm tears flowed down his icy cheeks. His breath hitched as he sobbed and he was barely aware of being put in the backseat of a car where a gentle hand patted his head soothingly and told him it would all be okay.

Frank wakes to find himself on an unfamiliar but comfortable couch, drying tears staining the pillow beneath his head. All around there's certain scent, sweet but not overly so like a flower. Its a lot like...Patrick. The kitchen to the left of him is lit up with lights and the smell of something savoury baking.

"Hey Frank...How are you?" A composed voice asks, the cushion at his feet sinks in as the person, Patrick he assumes, sits.

"I..I...I..."Frank coughs into his fist and opens his eyes once again.

Patrick is looking at him with the concern he only has for his closest friends. It helps raise Frank's spirit the tiniest bit.

"We're all really worried about you, Frank...We found you out there completely motionless and we thought you were fucking _dead_ , dude...What happened?"

It all rushes back to him then and he chokes on a miserable sob," _Gerard_."

"Who is Gerard?"Patrick asks and before Frank knows it he is spilling out the contents of all that's happened in these past few years up until now. Its like a weight has been lifted off of him in a way.

"Oh my god, Frank. That's fucking horrible." Patrick can barely stifle his gasp, the fedora he wore everywhere falling off his head and onto the floor.

"What's horrible? How are you doing by the way, Iero?"Andy asks as he appears in the living room, a Diet Coke can in hand. He sits it beside Frank on the coffee table.

"Later, Andy...Later." Patrick murmures, before turning back to Frank.

"I..I think I should be going."Frank mumbles uneasily." I don't wnat to disturb you any further.

"You don't have to leave yet, Frank!"

"I'd be best if I just go..."

"Just stay here a while, Frank. Be amongst your friends okay? We're worried about you. Just stay for dinner." Patrick pleaded, his head tilting to the side.

Frank thinks it over for a few minutes before with a tired sigh, nods his head slowly. He would regret this later." Okay, I'll stay for a while."

~~~~

Somehow he's gotten a _whole_ fucking week off of work. Dallon's doing he thinks. He always was in with the boss.

Frank tries to keep his mind from wandering over to thoughts of Gerard. And he does pretty well. Except for a few full out breakdowns that have left him curled up on the carpeted floor.

Patrick and everyone else have come to check up on him at least once, claiming to be worried. Though that's almost always what happens when you have a breakdown. He pretends to be fine whenever anyone comes over and they'll leave just the same.

Frank doesn't think he'll make it. The one person he loves the most hates him and it's emotionally crippling. It's fucking him up. He just might end it.

He's losing it. Losing his fucking mind. He doesn't think he can take anymore...It's _killing_ him.

Frank was laying on the couch when the phone rang from deep inside the cushions. He runs a hand over his face, sighing quietly as he pulls it from between two." Hello?"

"Um hi. It's me...Gerard."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are still about twelve finished chapters I still need to add to this but I've decided to just add them tomorrow. Keep in mind though that while there are still more chapters to be added this is not a completed fic.


	5. It started at the end

**~~~~Chapter Four~~~~~**

_When Gerard left New Jersey he was determined to make the best of it. He had only himself left in this world but damn it he would succeed._

_....It didn't turn out so well to say the least. The first day he spent curled up in his bunk crying, waiting for the next day to come. He would start classes soon. Art classes. His grandma would be so proud if she knew he had gotten accepted. If only she hadn't....._

_It made his heart ache thinking of home and honestly he spent a great deal of time crying wondering if he made the right decision....but in the end he knew he had. Gerard gradually stopped thinking about New Jersey...His family...And..._

_He studied hard and did his best which actually did pay off. He graduated and was soon working for a comic book company called Dark Horse. Crazy he knows. So soon after graduating and everyone was sure he would go somewhere...himself included._

_But at night. When he had crashed hard after working so hard. The memories found him. Those dreams of him....He spent many nights waking up sobbing. Wishing that things were different._

_...But they weren't and he soon came to accept that as he pushes all thoughts of him out of his mind...and started to work hard to become who he is today. If only things were so simple and he had lived happily ever after..._

_Gerard grew angry at Frank over the years. Thinking of all the shit he had put him through. It made his blood boil. But everything would have been fine if he hadn't....started to appear. First at the only bar he felt brave enough to go after getting sober and then his favorite place to get coffee...Frank even had the nerve to grab his arm._

_He lashed out at him and ran away as soon as he could before something bad happened. But he couldn't get that bad feeling out of stomach the days following. Just that look of absolute despair was imprinted in his mind._

_It's what brought him to this damn phone and the nervousness setting in......_

It rings twice and Gerard considers just hanging it up. Who is he kidding? He's not ready for this. But there's no time left to hang up as its finally answered and his heart began to nearly beat out of his chest.

"Hello?"

"Um hi. It's me...Gerard."

"Is this some kind of fucking joke? Do you think this shit is funny?"

"No! I- Frank."Gerard stumbles over his words. He sounds so...hurt and resigned at the same time. He'd never heard it from Frank before.

"It Can't be...Gerard hates me."Through the phone he can still hear the choked sob,"This isn't funny, you fucking dick, whoever the fuck you are."

"No wait, It really is-"There's click and the dial tone begins,"me."

He tosses his phone onto the cushion next to him with a sigh. This is his fault. He shouldn't have acted that way when Frank ran into him. Gerard needs to make this right.

~~~~~

Gerard takes to alternating his time between that coffee shop and work. He doesn't ever want to get behind.

Days pass and Frank never shows up at the coffee shop. Gerard doesn't understand why...he thought Frank would. It makes his heart ache and he begins to wonder....

He starts to give up hope after a while and figures he might as well just stop for a while before it starts to make him break down like _before._ Gerard pushes himself into his work, refusing to think of anything else...And months go by before he thinks to go back.

He feels a somewhat overwhelming anxiety as he pulls the door open to walking inside. As if he won't be welcome anymore because of the months that have passed since his last visit.

"Hey red! Where ya been?" The barista chuckles to him as he approaches the counter with a slight curve to his lips. So far so good.

"Work."He replies as she brings him his usual coffee. She knows it by heart by now. He's been coming here since he first got to New York.

_It was raining hard. Like bullets coming down from the sky. He ran for as long as could, searching desperately for a shop that is open. He spots lights in the distance and naturally makes a run for it._

_It turns out to be a coffee shop. How fucking lucky is he, right? Coffee's been his addiction since...Fuck knows how long._

_He orders what he would always get and waits for it to be made after forking over the amount he owes. She hands it to him soon after with a small smile,"Like your hair, dude. Not many people can pull off that colour."_

_He thanks her before taking a seat in the corner next to big window and waits for the rain to stop as he drinks the burning liquid...._

He smiles faintly at the memory as he takes his usual seat by the window. He's pretty much known as a regular in here. It's been _four_ years since the very first time he came in.

"Sweet as it comes and as black as my hair."Gerard looks up from the cup in his hands with a gasp. _Frank._

He turns with an air of confusion and Gerard flushes red...did he just say that out loud? Frank's expression hardens then and he goes to leave. Gerard jumps up, calling for him to wait but he never does.

Gerard chases after him for what seems an eternity and _finally_ catches up after two blocks.

"What."Frank snaps when Gerard manages to get him to stop.

"I..I'm sorry."He pants, out of breath as fuck. When did he get so out of shape? Not even in his teens was he ever this bad.

Frank scoffs,"Yeah right and I'm a fucking airplance. Zoom zoom, motherfucker."

"No really. I'm really fucking sorry, Frank. I just..I just..I don't fucking know honestly. Believe it or not I didn't exactly expect someone who got left behind to start popping up _everywhere."_

"Someone who got left behind? That's some fucked up shit, honestly. We all thought you were _dead."_

Gerard snaps to attention,"I...What?"

"Yeah, dude. Everyone thought you were dead...including me. Maybe I should pretend not to have found out different. It's not like you want me around any fucking ways." Frank glares at him angrily and he shivers.

"I...I...Is there any place around here we can talk? _Can_ we talk?"

"Whatever, dude. My apartment building is right up there. C'mon if we're gonna fucking _talk."Frank_ grumbles and starts back off in the direction he had pointed in.

Once they get to the apartment complex, Frank quickly unlocks the door and shuts it swiftly behind them. Gerard watches him curiously until Frank turns to face him and he looks to the floor with a light flush creeping to his cheeks.

"What?"Frank demands impatiently but Gerard just shakes his head.

"Should we, uh...Sit down?"

Frank nods before taking a seat at one end of the uncomfortable looking couch and Gerard goes to the other. There's a moment of awkward silence where they just stare at each other before Gerard glances to the coffee cup in his hand.

"How are things...Back in New Jersey?"

Frank looks startled by that...as if that's not what he was expecting,"I wouldn't know."

"Why ever not? When I left you were still there. You must know."

"That's not always how it works."Frank says sharply,"I haven't been back in as long as you, dude."

"Why...Why'd you leave?"Gerard asks, confusion becoming more and more evident.

"I could ask the same of you."He snaps,"But of course I already know why."

"I'm sorry...for the way I treated you before. It took me a long time to get anywhere near okay and to nearly forget what happened all those years ago. You coming back in my life...Brought back feelings I didn't want."

"I...I thought you were dead."Frank states fiercely but his tone goes low,"We all did...they _all_ blamed _me."_

Gerard flinches at his tone. A heavy ball of guilt sinking into his stomach,"I'm sorry...I didn't _know._ I _had_ to leave, though. It was going to _kill_ me if I stayed."

Theres a moment of silence then where they stare at each other. Frank's face is completely blank until it hardens,"Same for me. It hurt so goddamn _much_ to think you were dead. Everyone blamed me. I blamed myself too. After the incident in the cemetery I realized I had made a mistake by not going after you...but it was too late, when I got your house you were already gone. It tore me the fuck apart."

"I...I'm _sorry_."Gerard whimpers. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea,"I wish...I wish I could have prevented that...But I couldn't. Honestly Frank, I would have really killed myself by the end of the week if I had stayed any longer...And it probably wouldn't be in purpose."

Frank's brow furrowed,"What do you mean?"

"I...I used to drink a lot back then. I mean we all drank a lot back then but for me it was I don't know... _Worse_. It only dawned on me when I got here for the first time how bad it was. I got sober when I got here. I had to if I wanted to pass art school."

There's silence for a moment and Gerard sees Frank's expression turn...Thoughtful,"I wish I could have helped you back then...but I was so fucked up myself. At least things turned out good for you now...Right?"

"I guess...I'm kinda well known in my line of work. But my social life is as barren as ever. Ever says I'm gonna work myself to death and that I need to get out more...but my work _is_ my life."

For the first time all conversation Frank smiles. It's not big...Only a half smile really but it's a _smile_ ,"Sounds like you. You were always obsessed with art. Best fucking artist around, dude."

Gerard's cheeks flush pink against his wishes,"I guess...What do you now?"

"I work for a record company. Not the best work in the world but I have some pretty awesome co workers." Frank replies, that same lovely smile still on his face.

"That's really great, Frank. You know, back when we were teenagers we would have _never_ been able to have a conversation with each other without trying to strangle each other."

His smile seems to grow bigger if that's possible,"Maybe that's prove we've grown up...Or maybe it's just we don't really have a reason to hate each other anymore."

"Probably the latter. I am a firm believer that we aren't actually adults. Just mindless teenagers parading as such. We learn more as the years go by but we don't grow any older. Except in like...Looks."

"Well you don't look like you've aged at all. You're a fucking time lord, aren't you?"

Gerard snorts at that,"This is getting off track. At least you aren't giving me the death glare anymore."

"Yeah..."

Gerard glances down at his watch then looking at it twice more before letting out a stream of curses.

"What?"Frank stares at him, clearly startled by his outburst.

"I was supposed to send the last of my work into my editor like thirty minutes ago. I need to _go."_

Frank nods as Gerard stands quickly,"I'll call you."

"Okay. I look forward to hearing from you." Gerard rushes out before heading out the door.

It's only when he gets two blocks down the street that he realizes he left his coffee.

 


	6. I remember when

**~~~~~Chapter Five~~~~~**

Frank sighs, leaning back to rest his aching head. He still hasn't really understood what happened today. He had been a little angry. Confused mostly...But Gerard just made that go away... _like always._

He knows he should call Gerard...but he doesn't. Frank spends the rest of the day, buried under a mound of blankets. Star Wars the only thing he'd let himself think about.

It doesn't really help not thinking...and that's how he finds himself calling not two days later. He won't let himself back out of it...Can't. Gerard answered after only two rings.

"Hello? Frank?"

"Uh hi...It's me Frank."He stutters out and _god_ does he have to be so freaking awkward. It's _just_ Gerard.

But that's the problem... _Gerard_. Frank can't think of anyone else who made him feel the way he does. Even after four years he can't deny it.

"Frank! Are you still there?"Gerard's frantic words ring in his ears and he nearly curses out loud. _Shit_

"I..what?"Frank says dumbly.

"I didn't think you'd call."

"Sorry. I was a little busy with work and all. So uh...Are you okay and all with your work?" Frank inquires somewhat timidly.

"I, well...Yeah. He honestly didn't give a damn that I was late. Thought it was funny that the dude that's never late finally fucked up." Gerard replies, a hint of humour laced through his words,"So, uh, do you maybe want to like meet up sometime? You know..To catch up. It's been fucking _years_."

"I..."His heartbeat suddenly speeds up and he's sure Gerard can hear it through the phone,"Sure."

"Great. I'm sure you know Billy's bar pretty well according to what Trè says. So meet me there on say...Sunday around six PM? It's like a ghost town around that time."

"I'll be there."Frank answers quickly and Gerard laughs for some goddamn reason, it makes Frank halfway crazy.

"Good to know. So, uh, I should like....go. Bye." Gerard ends the call on that note, like always having to have the last say.

~~~~~

If anyone at work notices the antsy way Frank's acted all week then they don't say anything. Not even Patrick who didn't really say much about his sudden bounce back.

He's not sure he's so glad about it....But at the same time he is. Grateful not to have to answer any questions. Just _grateful_. Usually Dallon would be all over him with questions. That's just how the dude is. He's a nosy motherfucker.

"Hey Frank? You have a minute?" Patrick's fedora covered head appears suddenly from the left side of his door and he curses, startled as fuck.

"What is it, Pat?"

"You know that gig I told you about? Well uh. Like it's on Monday night so like. We'd appreciate it if you'd come." Patrick smiles hesitantly, full body coming into view.

Frank doesn't have to think much before nodding...'cause why the hell not,"I'll be there, dude."

"Awesome! I'll go tell Andy now. He'll be happy."

Frank smiles faintly, Patrick's honestly not that bad of a guy. He may be too friendly and trusting but he has Andy fucking Hurley on his side and no one fucks with Hurley. They're some of the few trustworthy dudes he's met in all his years. That he can say without hesitation.

Sunday comes way too soon for his liking. He's torn between the desire to see Gerard once again and the terror of it also. You'd think in four years of not seeing the guy he'd have lost all those feelings. But seeing him again made his heart ache with longing. It fucking terrifies him even now.

He gets to the bar rather quickly, mostly likely coming from how much time he spent here all those months ago. It's honestly pretty crazy how what brought him there time and time again is bringing him back once again...Or maybe not.

Frank's not even really sure what all happened during those months. It's like a fucking blur. Trying to think about it makes his head throb and ache. He'll have to do without his memory he guesses.

He takes a seat at a table in a dark, little corner that gives him a somewhat good look at all who come through it. There aren't many people in here. It kinda figures with it being Sunday and all the fucking rain. Most places would be fucking closed but not Billy's. Billy's is never closed.

Billy comes over after a bit with his usual expression in place but it seems a bit more friendly than usual. Which is really fucking weird.

"Haven't seen that face around this shithole in a long while. Here to see Gerard, I presume?"

"I- Yeah, How'd you know?"Frank questions, running a tattooed hand through his hair.

"Gerard told me you two would be meeting here... _Private_ business he said."Mike mocks Gerard's voice and Frank can't help but crack up.

"Sounds like him to."Frank breaks off suddenly. Staring at the door in silence, expression flickering between two emotions.

"Stop staring at me like that!"

Pink dusts Frank's cheeks almost immediately and he ducks his head down as if to hide it,"I...Sorry. Sit down?"

"Of course I am. Very well couldn't stand the whole time."Gerard snorts, plopping down in the opposite seat of him. Right into his line of vision.

They stare at each other in silence for a moment before Gerard laughs,"You gonna say something...Or what? Is there something on my face?"

"Nah, just your face."Frank blurts out before simultaneously realizing how idiotic that sounded and has to fight the urge to facepalm,"You seem really happy tonight."

"Oh, uh, yeah."Gerard flushes red,"My publisher loved my most recent work and it should be out soon...Sooner than I expected. I hope everyone likes it."

"It's by you, dude. It's bound to be good. You've always been awesome at that shit. What's it called, by the way? I'll to check that shit out."Frank grinned at red haired man who's face would soon be the colour of his hair.

"So, uh, I'm just gonna go now. You two have fun. I'll bring your drinks over later when you're not making goo goo eyes at each other." Mike cuts in suddenly and Frank can barely hold in a shriek.... _shit_. He had completely _forgot_ about Mike.

Gerard looks as if he wants to protest but Mike is already gone. He watches Mike for a few seconds, mumbling under his breath. Frank can't hear it all but he catches snatches of it like _asshole_ and _kill him_.

"So uh....the comic?"Frank asks after it's clear the Gerard is lost in his head.

"I-....What?"

"What's the name of the comic book."Frank repeats from before and recognition flickers across Gerard's face.

"Oh _yeah_. Uh it's Umbrella Academy. So what have you been up to?"

"Work mostly....And some ice cream along the way." Gerard snorts at that.

"I don't you should be eating ice cream, Frank. If I recall correctly you're lactose intolerant?"Gerard remarks, a small curve to his thin lips.

"Thanks, _mom_. I'm grown man, _mom_." Frank snorts and crosses his heavily tattoed arms.

"You don't look it with that height. How tall are you now, 4'11?"

"I am _not_." Frank tries to glare at Gerard but fails _miserably_. He knows their only playing around,"Not every is tallish like you or a fucking _tree_ like that brother of yours."

The smile on Gerard's face disappears suddenly and it takes away upbeat feeling in the room, leaving it all barren and as miserable as would be usually. What's worse is how Gerard says nothing. Just choosing to stare down at his bare hands and it makes a heavy ball sink into his stomach to see it when he finds in horror that there are tears glistening on that lovely face.

Before he knows it he's grabbed Gerard's cold hand with his and Gerard looks up; startled," _Woah_ , Gee it's okay. It'll be okay, Gerard."

Gerard grips his hand tightly, guilt laced into those pain filled eyes of his. He feels _guilty,_ Frank realizes then. And why not? He left his only brother in New Jersey without so much as to say where he's going or goodbye.

Gerard lets out a small choked sob, barely able to be heard to anyone else but him and Frank rubs his thumb against Gerard's hand soothingly,"It'll be fine, Gee. I swear...Let death find me if it isn't."

"What if it's not, though...Leaving Jersey was one of the hardest decision I ever made...It was leaving everyone behind that really got to me when I got here. I _miss_ my brother....and never seeing him again _hurts."_

There's a not so uncomfortable silence between them before Frank murmures,"You could always go back...It's always an option."

"I _can't_ go back. According to you I'm dead to them all...besides what would I say? Hey I'm back from the dead, how 'bout a hug? That's not how it works, Frank. I can't go back. You probably can't either." Gerard looks up then, skin around his eyes red and slightly swollen,"It's the sad. But it's the truth and we just have to deal with it."

"I guess so."Frank thinks for a moment,"It would take a long time to get back home anyways."

"Yeah. Hey do you have the time? I have a lot to do tomorrow and I can't be a zombie. It wouldn't suit me. I have to be at my best."

"Uhh...Nine PM? Do you need to leave?" Frank asks, feeling slightly uncomfortable at the sudden change in subject but understanding it all the same.

"I...Yeah. I should be...going."

"Same here."Frank replies and they both stand and only then does he notice that they're still hand in hand...And Gerard's seemed to have notice it too.

He doesn't let go, though, so Frank doesn't either. They walk out that way and if focuses on Mike from the corner of his eye he can see that asshole rolling his eyes with a small curve to his lips that is crazy to see on him.

They only let go of the other's hand when they reach the outside. Gerard looking a tad bit flustered suddenly and it just serves to make Frank all the more confused. This isn't how he expected this to go.

"Sorry for uh...you know. I wish we could have talked more but uh...maybe I'll see you again sometime?" Gerard looks so damn hopeful that Frank can't help but nod.

"It's cool, Gerard. Just call me or something."Frank replies, resisting the urge to hug him. It would only freak him out.

"I...Okay. I should...uh go." Gerard runs a hand through his fiery locks before they head off in different directions.

~~~~

Frank stays up later than he'd like when he gets back to his apartment....He can't fucking help it but it's frustrating all the same. Just seeing Gerard again does this shit to him...Provokes all these thoughts and makes him yearn for the days when they were so carefree and happy by each other's side.

He doesn't remember a lot of those days. Drugs do that to you...But he still gets snatches of it sometimes and it makes him ache... _ache_ for those days that'll never come again. He goes to sleep with that in mind....and he can still feel that emptyness when unconsciousness comes. It'll never leave him.

_Frank smiles to hide the pain. It's better that way. No one can ever know about it. It's not like anyone cares anyways. He hates Bert and Pete so fucking much but it was either join them or they'd make him one their victims. Like that chubby boy with the dyed black hair and tiny teeth._

_He still feels a bit bad about hurting him the other day. But Bert says that guilty feeling will go away soon enough and when he asked Pete about it he just shrugged so Frank guesses he'll just have to wait for that._

_Frank still remembers when he got back to school and that kid ran up to him...he called the boy a fag...'cause he doesn't even know him. But Bert says he's a fag, whatever that is, and that everyone hates him so he should too. So he does._

_Everyone does what Bert says or else they get hurt....He still feels guilty, though._

 


	7. When it fades

**~~~~~~~Chapter Six~~~~~~~**

Gerard laughs bitterly as his tears fall hotly onto the photograph in his hand. Isn't life fucking crazy? He and Mikey were so _young_ back then. So impressionable yet carefree. Where did the time _go?_

A faint smile had found it's way to Mikey's face. Same old, crooked glasses he used to wear and natural hair colour. Gerard can still remember the first time he helped Mikey dye his hair. It was so fucking black...and _everywhere._ It had even reached his face at some point and their mother had just about had a _heart attack_ when she saw it.

Sometimes...Gerard wonders what's gone on in Jersey since he left. What's Mikey doing now? How are Jamia and his mom? He misses his grandma more than anything. In the past he had thought about going back and sneaking to her grave. Just to visit but Gerard could never work up the courage.

There were too many risks. Like being seen...Or _him._ Gerard could never bear to call Frank by his name back then. It hurt too much and made him want to never leave the solitude of his bed.

Since then a lot of wounds have healed but some are just the same as the day they were made.

*~~~~~~*

Frank laughed quietly to himself as Patrick leaves his office with Andy. That guy can be seriously crazy sometimes. Frank pushes a lock of dark hair from his face as it falls _yet again_. He really needs to get this shit cut at some point.

At first, Frank hadn't really noticed as Patrick started to stick his head past the doorframe to look into Frank's office. He had been standing there apparently for a good thirty minutes before he lost his balance because Gabe, being the asshole he is, knocked into him as he walked by. Patrick had immediately tumbled into his office, startling the shit out of him.

...And then he found out Patrick had been worried that Frank wouldn't come to the gig. Like Frank would go back on his _word._ He reassured him he was coming then hinted that _perhaps_ Patrick would like to go back to his own office....no luck.

He stayed still not convinced, asking a shit ton of questions. _Thankfully_ Andy had come by and managed to coax him out without upsetting him....from the hallway though he yelled the time to make sure Frank knew. Like he would have forgotten.

In his pocket a sudden vibration goes starts and he jerks, almost falling out his chair. He curses lowly under his breath as he pulls it out of his pocket and winces when the bright light suddenly flashes into his eyes but the name at the top catches his eye immediately...Gerard.

_**G** :Hey_   
_**G** :Its Gerard btw if you dont know already_

Frank stares down at the screen blankly for a bit before snapping out of it with a shudder It's been a long while since he's texted _anybody._ At least his phone is a touch screen and not one of those damn phones with the few buttons they all used when they were teens.

_**F** :oh uh hey....I know it is...Your # is programmed in my phone_

Gerard texts back almost instantly, much to Frank's astonishment.

_**G:** oh...well okay then...would you be will to get together later on? I'd like to talk to you about something...._   
_**F:** around what time do you think...cuz i kinda promised a friend of mine i'd go to his band's gig tonight...do you want to just meet there?_   
_**G:** would your friend be fine with that? I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable_   
_**F:** of course...He'll probably be jumping for joy knowing him...he's always been a bit...joyous when it comes to his music_   
_**G** :okay if you're sure...where and when?_

Frank types out the information carefully so as to make sure not to make any errors before sending it and laying his phone screen down onto his desk just as Brian walks by.

"Been a while since I saw you here."Frank calls to him and snorts as he glances around in confusion.

"I don't work out of an office, dude. Don't need to."Brian replies, stopping at his door.,"By the way...do you know who keeps going into my office? It always smells....rather _strange_ in there whenever I'm here."

Frank can barely suppress a grin as he manages to get out a reply,"I don't know, dude. Might want to go ask Gabe, though. You know how he makes it his top priority to sleep with nearly everyone around here."

He frowns then and nods whilst staring at some random spot on the floor,"Yeah...uh, I'll do that."

"You do that, dude."Frank throws up two thumbs up, having to bite the inside of his cheek to keep a knowing grin from surfacing.

Brian stands in the doorway of his office for a few moments more before shaking his head to himself and walking away wordlessly in opposite direction of before. Frank can't hold it in then any longer as he laughs hard, tears springing up in his eyes. Fuck, he hopes Brian never finds out what went down in there.

Patrick would be fucking _mortified._ His cheeks would redden and his voice would become more and more pitched with every sentence he said. Andy would only be amused, of _course._ That was just the kind of man he was. He didn't get embarrassed by damn near anything.

Frank shakes himself out of his thoughts. He _needs_ to get some more work done before he leaves at four. His fucking boss may be pretty chill but Frank would have his ass handed to him if he didn't have this shit ready.

~~~~~

Frank tugs on his plain black shirt a bit as he makes his way towards an empty booth in a darkened corner, his coworkers nowhere in sight. Fuck, is he in the right place?

"You made it!" Well...at least he's the right place.

Frank turns around then with a slight curve to his lips,"I said I would, didn't I?"

"You did. I just didn't think you would."Patrick mumbles awkwardly, messing around with his fedora.

Frank hesitates for a second before patting Patrick's shoulder,"Hey dude, I said I would come and I did. I wouldn't fucking miss it. Oh and, uh, I kind of invited a friend to come too."

Patrick perks up that,"Did you really? I mean. You don't even know if we sound good. What if your friend doesn't like us?"

"Trust me. He will. The guy listens to weirder. At least he did when I last knew him. When do you guys go on?"

"In a few. I should probably go get ready. See you later?"

"Yeah later."Frank replies as Patrick goes practically skipping through the crowd.

Frank scans for Gerard, his shockingly red hair should be quite visible in the dark crowd. He takes a seat in the booth as his legs start to feel like fucking jello. Bands have already begun to play one by one but he pays no mind to them as he searches for Gerard. Fuck, did he get lost? Or did he just blow him off.

Finally, after a bit of noisy senseless "music" he notices Patrick and a few others getting on the stage only two of them recognizable to him other than Patrick. The microphone crackles a bit as Patrick introduces them.

"Hey guys, we're Fall Out Boy and I promise we sound better than we look! This song is called Grand Theft Autumn!"

They begin to play and Frank's attention cuts to them hurriedly. They're actually really fucking awesome. Who fucking knew Patrick could sing that well? His voice sounds like soul.

 _"Frank?_ Frank Iero, is that you?" Frank whirls around at the sound of his name. Who the fuck is calling his name?

His eyes went wide in a mixture of recognization and shock as he backs away into the other corner of the booth. He needs to get the fuck out of here.

 _Fuck_.

 

 


	8. Can't believe what they see

**~~~~Chapter Seven~~~~**

"Where ya going, Frank? It's been so long!"Lindsey chuckles, walking towards the booth he had chosen.

"I-I...Wrong person."Frank manages to choke out. Oh _fuck,_ he needs to get out of here.

"I'm not an idiot, man. How could forget a little dude like you? Especially with all those tattoos and that scorpion on your neck is pretty obvious. Though, I can't help but wonder if I'm just going fucking nuts." Lindsey replies with an unpleasant smile, shaking her head."Last time I heard you were dead...but that doesn't seem to be the case."

"I-I uh..."Frank is so fucking screwed.

"This is just what I fucking expected out of a coward like you. Nearly everyone believed you'd died but we didn't believe that bullshit. Now I see we were fucking right. You did this shit just because you couldn't own up to the terrible shit you've done, didn't you?" You fucking _disgust_ me."

It's then that Frank can find his voice and it's through gritted teeth he hisses,"You don't know a goddamn _thing_ about this. You think you do but really you don't know a goddamn _thing_ about the things I've done."

It's with that he shoves his way out of the booth just as Patrick approachs, only a muttered apology to him as he dashes through the bar. Not once does he look back to the people who call after him.

Frank speed walks down the nearly empty sidewalk just in case someone decides to come after him. He doesn't think he could handle that at this point. Fuck, he's gonna have to make it up to Patrick for this shit. Goddamn that bitch, Lindsey. For once in his life he just wished things could be right.

Of fucking _course_ she would have to show up now. Just when things were seeming to perhaps get better but isn't this how it _always_ is? There always has to be something to fuck up everything...and like she's so goddamn _perfect._ Do they all not fucking understand how much that shit fucked him up all those years ago? It damn near killed him to be the cause of that shit. Of course he left. How could he not?

He makes it about a block and he's so fucking sure no's one after him, Frank starts to slow down but of _course_ that's when he hears his name being called behind him. He speeds up his walk but it's no fucking use as the voice is getting closer and-

That's Gerard's voice he realises. Frank slows down with a drawn out sigh and finally stops, turning around to face the wheezing red head,"Yeah?"

"Wh-Where are you going?"Gerard pants, breathing heavily."I thought we were supposed to meet at that bar a block back?"

"Change of plans..Go home, Gerard." Frank replies, trying to keep his tone even.

"Bu...But I _need_ to tell you something, Frank..What's going on?"

"Nothing is going on. Just go the fuck home or something."Frank turns around then, not able to bear to look at Gerard any longer.

"No, I want to know what's going on! I _know_ there's something wrong. Tell me!"Gerard retorts heatedly, crossing his covered arms.

"You don't know a goddamn thing! Just Go. The fuck. Home."The words are out before he can even get the chance to suppress them and he knows then...Fuck, does he know it that he can't take it back.

He takes off once again down the dark street, lit only by the dull street lights. The words the fall from Gerard's lips behind him should be shocking...but they're just tiring,"This is just like high school all over again."

Frank turns that next corner quickly as he feels it welling up already, the threatening tightness in his throat. He just doesn't have the strength to reply. He can't save this moment anymore than he can save that one, four years ago.

He should have never tried.

~~~~

Frank doesn't go in to work the next day. He couldn't even if he tried. His body is so fucking heavy and he just can't find the strength to rise above it. What's the use? His whole fucking life is a _joke_ built around something that happened more than four years that he should have gotten over by now. If he could have just fucking got over it then maybe..just maybe he would have had a chance at happiness...probably not, though.

He should have just stayed his distance from everyone, even Gerard. Now it's just worse for everyone. Frank will never forgive himself if he finds out Gerard went back to his... _old ways_. Of all the people who don't deserve that...Gerard is at the top of the list. He's been put through so fucking much from Frank and everything else fucked up in his life, he deserves some peace for once....and Frank just had to go and fuck that up.

Frank doesn't go to work all week and whenever someone knocks on his door he pretends he's not home. He can't bear to see anyone anymore. It hurts too much.

He busies himself with cleaning and listening to depressing music on repeat, trying to ignore the tempting bottle in his fridge. He listens to Fix you by Coldplay one too many times for his liking. Frank doesn't like it when his mind wonders now. It just hurts him.

"Frank let me in...I know you're there. I can hear your music. It's just me and Andy."Patrick's voice wafts through his music and Frank freezes up for not the first time.

"N-no."Frank croaks, voice rough from all his blubbering.

"Please, Frank? We're not trying to kill you I promise. I just want to understand what the hell happened that night." Frank sighs inwardly, walking towards the door. He needs to face his responsibilities sometime.

It's just as going to open the door, though, that he draws his hand back suddenly and practically throws himself on his ugly couch. Not today...no, not today. Maybe any other day...but not today.

"There was a chick there. She said some really weird shit. We're just trying to understand. It was fucking strange and Patrick snapped out at her." Andy's voice comes out a bit muffled and Frank can't help but feel startled by the image that puts in his head...fucking _weird._ Patrick can be a smartass at times but that's not like him.

Frank falls back on the couch, eyes held tightly shut with an inward sigh. He can't open that door. Can't let them see him like this..Can't show weakness. Not to them.

A long moment of awkward silence follows another and he's sure his coworkers on the other side of the door have given up hope and went away. But, of course, it's never like that.

"Look...Frank, I've left your paperwork out here. We don't want you get fired, you're honestly one of the few decent fucking people there. We're gonna go now but if you ever need someone feel free to call or text. We're worried about you, dude."Andy says slowly after a few minutes and Frank yearns to tell them of what was going on...tell _anybody._ He can't hold it in anymore- but he can already hear their individual footsteps as they fade away.

He waits for a bit before he goes out just to make sure they're really gone before he goes to retrieve the papers. Frank sets them down on the low coffee table without so much as a single glance as he locks the door before heading towards his darkened room. He needs sleep.

_Gerard's cheeks are flushed pink when he pulls back, his lips a tad bit swollen. There seems to be a small indention where Frank's lip ring as pressed in and he can't stop himself from pulling him in again. It's like fireworks going off and the older boy's lips are so soft against his own but a bit chapped, his dark brown hair is greasy where Frank's hand has-_

_He falls to the hard ground with a pained gasp as Gerard glares downs at him angrily, dark hair hanging around his so, so pale face. Frank feels the confusion rising up in him and fuck, he can't back away as Gerard slams the door with a snarl,"Fucking trash. Never be anything else."_

_Frank rises up uneasily and Gerard's curled up sobbing, his neon hair seeming so wrong in the dark setting. He doesn't acknowledge Frank at first and it's like a kick in the gut as he sees in horror that Gerard's covered in bruises._

_"Why why why."He sobs and Frank backs away from it in horror. So much red, so much red, so much...._

 


	9. It's always been this way

**~~~~Chapter Eight~~~~**

Frank whimpers, arms over his dark haired head as he curls up in a ball. As if this'll stop _it_. His head aches horribly of that thin, empty pain and nothing can stop it's attack on his head and mind. It never ceases. He wakes to it and falls asleep to it if he can. He doesn't sleep so much anymore.

His muscles protest his every move however slight they may be but if he does not move he just might go insane. He may anyways. His hands feel just a bit rougher than before this week and he knows just how downcast his eyes may seem. His mirror doesn't project the man he knows anymore. Frank doesn't know himself anymore.

His stupid, _stupid_ phone rings periodically now but he doesn't check who it is anymore. It's never who he really wants to talk to. _He_ didn't answer Frank's calls. Frank didn't expect him to.

It's all just a vicious cycle that never ends. He's started to fantasize about all the things that could never be and the possibility of ending it all. Frank's just so tired of it all. Life was never really meant for him.

_Frank could never really remember much from that night. Every now and then he'd get flashes but they were gone as quickly as they came and no one would ever tell him what went on. He doesn't think they could put words to it._

_It was all darkness mostly for him as they screamed for him to stay awake and how his body felt so tied down and heavy. The soreness was another thing too but it was something no one could understand or they wouldn't. He remembers only blinding lights glaring through the blackness of his mind before it all went black and he came to to the emptyness of his hospital room._

_There was no one...there would never be anyone._

~~~~~

Frank trembles not from the biting chill of the wind but of something he couldn't quite identify as he stared up longingly at the apartment building before him. He shouldn't...He can't...and he doesn't. He's unforgivable.

Frank loses track of the time a lot. He keeps his head down and ignores the inquires of his fellow coworkers as much as he can. Frank doesn't want to talk about it. Especially with _them._ They don't actually care about him, it's just a piece of gossip for them spread around. For them to make whispers of when he passes by, just like fucking high school. It's starting to feel like fucking _high school._

Patrick and Andy, however, are a different story. It was to them he went when he could finally take no more. They accepted his story and tried their best to help him get out of the rut he was in. Yeah, it may not have worked but so what? They _tried_...It's been a long, _long_ time since anyone actually gave a damn. He might actually have some fucking _friends_ in this world.

It's fucking news to him but Frank's come to find that he's more accepting of it than he ever thought he could be. He's not used to having _actual_ fucking friends. Pete and that other nasty asshole didn't count. They hardly even fucking knew each other in the years they had been "friends". It was never about being friends with them. They were out for blood and it was better to be on their side than in their way. It was their way or the fucking highway. In which the highway is your fucking grave they'll bury you alive in.

Frank sighs as he runs an aching hand through his messy hair, resisting the urge to just say fuck it and never leave his apartment again. He really _hates_ when people ask him if he's okay.

Truth be fucking told, he doesn't _know._ His mind is a swirling pit of mess that threatens to consume him entirely on a day to day basis and he feels something like an overwhelming emptiness that fucking _hurts_ in ways that shouldn't be possible.

"Hey Frank?"

"I-uh...Yeah?"Frank grunts, his voice gruff from a lack of use.

"How's it going?"Andy asks, leaning up against the wall nearest the door.

"....Fine?"

"Uh huh, well anyways we just wanted to let you know you're invited to game night with us and the guys if you're up to it. It may not be a choice, though...Patrick seemed very set in getting you to come. I think I may have heard something about rope and handcuffs so you might want to watch out."Andy mumbles, picking awkwardly at the end of his ugly button down.

"I...might? Oh and by the way, the rope and handcuffs were _probably_ for you."Frank snorts, not bothering to look up as he made sure all the damn papers were stacked neatly.

"Why would they be for- _oh_.." Frank doesn't even have to look up to know Andy's face is probably the slightest bit red and his expression conflicted.

"Yeah, dude." Frank coughs, his throat protesting at it's obvious disdain with being used.

"I'm going to uh...go."He mumbles, backing towards the door."See you at game night."

Frank doesn't bother to respond, it doesn't matter really. Never has. He finally sets his papers down and leans back in his chair, feeling how his stiff back loosens is like being in fucking heaven or some shit like that.

For once he almost wishes he could just go back to his apartment and just enjoy the silence. It's so noisy here and it feels his head up to the point where he feels like he's going to explode. He almost... _misses_ the silence. It's calming in way he's never really understood, the silence will simultaneously drive you crazy and preserve was shred of sanity you have left.

Frank just wants to remember. He just wants to preserve the memories. The only thing he has left. For all the anger and pain that some memories reveal to him, a sweet one reminds him of who he once was...What _they_ were.

_Frank grabs Gerard's hand and pulls him away frantically as he nearly manages to slam face first into the table. He falls heavily on Frank with an embarrassed squeak as if he already knows Frank will never let him live this down but frankly he couldn't care less as they lay in a pile on the carpeted floor in Elena's living room, sweat practically pouring from them as didn't even attempt to move._

_"Are you okay?"Frank pants, his breathing by and by evening out._

_"Am I- I should be asking you that! I fell on yo-"Gerard's eyes widen in realization but he doesn't move despite knowing quite well where he landed._

_Frank can't help it as a grin spreads across his face and Gerard shoves him, cheeks already turning that lovely pink shade they always become when he's embarrassed._

_"You're a dick, you know that?"_

_"You're damn right I am. I'm just a big ol dick to you and everyone else."Frank winks cheekily at the pink faced boy next to him who promptly shoves him with a glare that could melt fucking steel._

~~~~

Frank doesn't sleep much anymore. Can't stand to be in the darkness alone, with no sign of escaping. It's almost as if no one would hear his cries if he tried to make someone aware of the pain inside him. He very well feels like he's dying.

He can barely even eat anymore without vomiting to the point where his throat becomes sore. He's pretty much a complete fucking _mess_ but it doesn't really matter anymore. It never mattered.

He can't remember anything anymore when his head pounds like it does now and for once he's..he's _afraid_ of forgetting. He can't forget. He can't lose it all like last time. This isn't last time.

Frank can barely keep from trembling, his teeth chattering as he rushes through the crowd of people on the sidewalk. The winds fights against him in its own form and he coughs heavily as he's shoves others here and there. He needs to-

His knees hit the hard cement with a dull thud, the only sound sharp as his jeans ripped along the knees as his eyes slide shut and everything fades into complete darkness.

 


	10. Falling back within

_**~~~Chapter Nine~~~** _

 

His head is pounding persistently as he's pulled back from the darkness. It's a slow, throbbing type of pain that can't ever be stopped. 

As stiff as his entire body is, the threatening tossing and turning of his delicate stomach would only serve to spill the contents of it on him and the surrounding areas. He feels so weighed down and foggy, the slightest movement of his hand a chore. 

Frank tries hard to fall back into the darkness if only to escape all of... _this_. He doesn't know what this is...doesn't want to know. Finally, after what seems an entire century of failure he forces his heavy eyelids open. He hisses as harsh brightness attacks him and he quickly goes back to his state of before. _Fuck_ , he feels so fucking nauseous.

He spends alot of time drifting in and out of consciousness, his only company the unsettling silence that seems to completely surround him. Every once and a while he's _sure_ he can hear the hushed whispers of something but he writes it off as hallucinations. He very well may be going insane.

_Frank chokes out a sob, his hands coming up stained red. Gerard lays before him...completely covered in dark bruises, blood, and something he refuses to acknowledge. He backs away from his trembling body, shivering as he's suddenly bathed in bitter coldness. It wasn't him...It wasn't him...He didn-_

_" **Monster**!"Gerard screams suddenly, voice shrill in a way Frank had never heard from him before,"All your fau-"_

_His damning words are cut off by a swift kick to the stomach but it only serves to make him scream louder and Frank is filled with a certain...Rage. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want it..He'd never... **No No no**_

It rises up in his throat and he couldn't stop it even if he tried as what seems his entire stomach contents is spewed all on the ground next to him. He coughs forcefully as the bitter taste still remains in his mouth even after he's stopped.

"Goddamn it, Frank! Couldn't you have made it to the fucking _bathroom?"_ A sudden wave of sound breaks through his sky high barrier of nausea.

He stares blankly into the darkness as colour swims into view...so. _.so_ slowly. Frank tries desperately to pick himself up from where he lays to avail as he just... _falls_..Falls down into the suffocatingly airless dark.

"Oh goddamn it! You've done it now you bastard. I don't even know why she fucking brought you here. Should have just left you passed out on the street like the _trash_ you are." He forces his so, _so_ heavy eyelids apart to stare up in the direction where the wetness on his cheek came from.

A blurred figure stands by him, hands somewhere near it's hips. It seems just like a pose _he_ would pull,"G-G...Gerard?" His voice comes out hoarse and barely audible.

Suddenly there a swift pain in his head and he gasps as his vision clears, what the _fuck._ "Don't you _dare_ mention his name you worthless piece of shit. You aren't even worthy of saying his fucking name! Goddamn it, I fucking _told_ her not to bring you here. You didn't deserve to live anyways."

"I-I see you're still a-a.."Frank breaks off into a fit of horrible sounding coughs as he forces himself to sit up,"a bitch, Jamia. You didn't change a fucking bit."

Anger darkens her eyes and for a moment it looks as if she's going to hit him again with that goddamn wet mop,"Lindsey should have left you to die. One less piece of shit in this fucking world, you don't deserve to be alive right now. After all the horrible shit you've done and the lives you've ruined. You just need to do everyone a favour and off yourself."

Frank rolls his eyes and pushes himself onto what seemed to be a couch with a pained grunt,"You'd fucking love that wouldn't you? You keep saying I'm a piece of shit but fucking look at you. You're the one who hasn..hasn't fucking changed. At least I've fucking tried, what about you? 'Cause I'd bet almost anything you're still the same as you used to be."

"Oh what would that be?"Jamia sneers."Even if I were still the same I'd _still_ be better than you. At least I've always been able to admit my wrongs and haven't made someone _kill_  themself."

Frank scoffs and shoves his bangs from in his line of vision, feeling significantly less heavy."You don't know shit about the things I've done. I could spend hours..fuckin...fucking _days_ telling you all about _it._ Of course you'd never listen, you don't deserve to know the truth anyways."

 _"Truth??_ I already know the fucking truth, you _bastard._ You know I don't I've ever despised someone so much as I do you. You fucking _disgust_ me."

"Don't be closed minded, Jamia. There's _always_ more to a story than meets the eye. You didn't always hate me you know...You used to say you loved me and I think you meant it even if you've forced yourself to believe it didn't happen or you never really did."Frank's more quiet now as he slumps over, eyes closed as he can feel himself slightly shaking."It may not be true now but it happened...There's a lot that happened back then that's not true now."

"What the _fuck_ are you talking about? Don't you fucking think I don't know what you're doing you..you.. _failed abortion_. We know it was because of you he commited suicide! You made his life hell right up until he died."

Frank laughs lowly but it doesn't really ring true,"You're a fucking comedian. You're all delusioned by what you believe is the truth. There was never a time when I didn't love him...even if I didn't remember. Have a nice life, Jamia. You too Lindsey, maybe you'll learn the truth someday but I wouldn't really count on it."

He forces himself to stand om shaky legs as Jamia whirls around to face Lindsey, her expression one of shock. During the time they were arguing, Frank had noticed her come in but he didn't care. It doesn't fucking matter. He manages to make it to the door while they seem to completely forget him in favour of having some type of heated debate on _something._

The outside world is dark and stormy as he stumbles down and down and _down_ the seemingly endless flight of stairs. It hits him heavily with enough force to knock him over and not even his hoodie could save him from how hard it hits. Frank welcomes the rivers of icy water, though, as it cools him down but it doesn't do much when he's freezing his ass off.

The streets were nearly deserted save for a person here and there. They avoided him intentionally without even trying to hide it but he knew quite well he most likely looked like a hobbit zombie looking for it's next victim. His head felt clouded but his vision hadn't blurred fully yet so he counted it as a win as he rushed past streets after streets. He needed to..needed to get there.

 

~~~~

 

Frank leans against the wall, eyes sliding shut of their own accord as he shoves hair out of his face when it sticks stubbornly... _everywhere_. He doesn't know what he's doing here but he's determined to wait forever if he has to. 

Of all things he's fucked up in his life...this is one of the things he can and _will_ fix, sickness be damned. He can't fuck this up again. Can't hurt _him_ like that again. 

 _"Frank."_ His eyes snap open as he looks upon Gerard. He looks so..so _worn out_ like the weight of the world had just come down on him all at once,"You shouldn...You _can't_ be here."

"I'm sorry."He chokes out, his throat practically screaming at it's obvious objection to being used,"I'm horrible, a-a...a complete and utter fuck up but please here me out."

"Jesus christ...What happened to you, Frank? You look like you were fucking murdered and dumped in that pond over by... by you know who's house."Gerard takes a step back, eyes reflecting obvious worry."You're fucking bleeding."

"I di-didn't come to make you forgive me or to make you let me back in your life but I...I just wanted you to know I'm sorry. I don't spend a second of the day not fucking cr- regretting all the shit I've done that's made you feel so much fucking pain. Saying sorry doesn't change shit, I know, but for what it's worth I _am_ sorry."Frank trembles slightly as his legs feel like they've been turned to jello and he hopes so fucking much he pass out completely.

Though his face is blank much like his brother's always was, his eyes show a swirling mix of deep sadness and pain that makes Frank's heart ache. He doesn't want Gerard to hurt...doesn't want to hurt Gerard.

"Fran... _Frankie_ , you should probably come inside and at least change fucking clothes...you're fucking soaked. You've got _a lot_ of explaining to do."Gerard sighs, running a hand through his fiery hair.

"I'm so fucking sorry."

"I know, Frank..I know. I am too."

 


	11. Save it for the critics

**~~~~Chapter** _**Ten~~~~** _

 

Gerard sighed inwardly as he looked upon the nearly out of it man he knew to be Frank fucking Iero. He was currently burrowed underneath nearly three blankets but still shaking from the cold. What the fuck would possess him to come here in the middle of a fucking _storm_ as well being sick as fuck. That was just Frank for you. He'd never had much sense.

"It'd be okay you know."Frank mumbles suddenly, shattering the slightly uncomfortable silence.

"I...What would?"Gerard inquires, confusion clearly written along his face.

"If you hated me. I fucking deserve it. After I've done to you I'm pretty surprised you didn't beat my ass and leave me out there in the cold like the dumbass I am."

"Frank-I... _no_."Gerard stutters out, caught off fucking _guard_ though the idea doesn't sound quite so foreign.

A weak, half smile forms on Frank's tired face and though he's sure it's meant to be reassuring, it only serves to be terrifying pairing with his red rimmed eyes and the dark, almost purplish bag underneath them topped off with his unhealthily pale skin and cracked lips.

"It's okay really. I know you've thought about it. Apparently a lot of people have and I'd deserve it. Maybe not from them b-...but from you. Fuck, man, you've given me so many fucking chances to make things right and I _always_ have to fuck everything up."

"Frank... _no_. I wasn't just going to leave you out there. Especially with the way you turned up looking like...like fucking _death_ on my doorstep. I could have never turned you away. Sure I've given hating you some thought,at one point I _did_ despise you...at least I thought I did. When it all comes down to it, though, I never fucking can. It's one of the most fucked up things about this whole fine and fucking _dandy_ situation."Gerard laughs bitterly, pushing his bangs back as he plops down on the other end of his couch.

"I fucking get that, Gee, I really do. I kind of wish you did hate me in a really fucked up way because I truly do deserve it and I would finally have a reason to stop trying to make shit happen when it's clearly not going to work. I don't want to hurt you anymore. You don't deserve the shit I put you through, in past and especially fucking now."

He sighs and pats one of Frank's drooping shoulders,"So are you gonna explain to me what the fuck's going on and why you're here besides the obvious."

"I-I....I ran into Lindsey. At the bar we were supposed to meet at and s-she was saying all of this shit that just made me see fucking red-" Gerard cuts him off abruptly, eyes widening in horror.

"Lindsey...as in Lindsey fucking Ballato? You're not serious. Fuck tell me you're not."

"I really fucking wish I was lying too, dude. This is like a fucking horror story for me because she's the one who found me unconscious on the streets and took me to Jamia's-I think they're together by the way- which she hit me in the fucking head for saying your name."

"Oh god, she doesn't know about me does she? _Fuck,_ Frankie, I- _wait_ why the fuck were you passed out on the streets?"

"I'm just a bit sick, is all. It's not that bad."Frank mumbles, giving him a weak smile as if that'll reassure Gerard about Frank's well being.

"Clearly not, Frank... _fuck_ I knew you were sick but really?? You really chose to pass the fuck out in streets of New fucking York for god knows what reason instead of staying home like a sane person."

"I couldn...couldn't let it end that way, Gee. I just _couldn't._ I've made so many fuck ups in my life and I wanted you to know..."Frank glances somewhere next to Gerard's head, eyes not really focusing in on anything.

"...Know what, Frank?"

"That I-..I love you. I-"Frank jumps up, shaking slightly and Gerard is suddenly aware of how fucking _pale_ Frank is as he rushes out of the living room.

Gerard find him sitting on his bathroom floor, panting for breath while he still can until he's bent over the toilet once again. His dark hair falls into his face as he makes disgustingly loud gagging noises but Gerard chooses to get closer and gingerly pull back Frank's overly long hair so he doesn't accidently get puke in it.

Frank slumps over when he's finished and Gerard bends down next to him, rubbing circles in his back lightly just like he used to do when they were young. He doesn't know how long they sit there for and he knows it's going to be hell on his body to stay so long in this position but he can't seem to make himself move and perhaps have Frank throwing up what's left in his stomach, he already looks so _small_ and Gerard can't help how his stomach twists so uneasily just looking at him.

"I-..Sorry."Frank chokes out, a tattoed hand pushing his bangs out of his face and securely behind his ear.

"Frank..you're freaking sick. It happens. It's completely fine."Gerard sighs, not ceasing the soothing motion of his hand on Frank's back. 

"Wasn...Wasn't the only thing I was 'pologising for. I'm sorry for...for everything. For loving you. I know you wouldn't want to be associated with an asshole like me."

"Frank, I-...You may be an asshole but I'd rather have you around for the rest of my life than anyone else. You're not a bad person ya know. You've just made some mistakes in your life but at least you're _trying_ to do better." It feels as if his heart is beating out of his chest and never has he ever felt so much like telling him how he truly feels about Frank....but he doesn't. He can't...not yet.

Gerard feels something wet hit his arm and he'd know instantly Frank has started to cry even if he didn't hear the quiet sobs that threatened to rip it away...rip it all away,"I'm really not though. If I were really fucking trying. I'd leave you alone and just live what's left of my miserable, short life but I just _can't._ _Fuck_..I-I just want you to be happy but I want to be a part of it. I want to be part of what makes you happy but that'll _clearly_ never work. All I can seem to do is make time for us to make each other cry."

"Frank, we have our problems. Everyone does but the fact of the matter is that if I didn't feel like you were worth my time then I wouldn't have even let you back in my life. It's kind of been a life long dream of mine to have my best fucking friend back. I've fucking missed you." Gerard panics briefly as he feels it welling up in his eyes but in the end he can't resist as they start to fall.

"I fucking love you you know that? I always have...even if I didn't know it. I always will even if you don't love me back. I-...I just want to be your friend if you'll let me."

"Of course, Frank, it's never out of the question. I'm willing to forgive if you will too."He murmures, running his fingers through his messy hair,"Hey do you think you can stand? We should probably get you back on the couch. You can stay here tonight...if you want."

Frank nods slowly, eyes closed tightly shut as he rises slowly on shaky legs. He holds onto the counter as Gerard rises up with a low hiss, his leg muscles practically screaming at their distaste for being used. He puts his arm securely around Frank to help support him if he were to fall. 

Frank is breathing in measured counts, quickly curling in on himself as Gerard returns from going on a journey in his hall closet for blankets. He shivers so violently but still sweat is practically pouring from him, to the point where his shirt is just about clinging to his back. It tugs at Gerard's heartstrings so oddly and it really makes him fucking _ache_ to care for him just like Frank did for him so many times. 

He covers up Frank with one and places the other at his feet in case he needs it. Knowing Frank he most likely will with all the kicking and turning he does in his sleep. Frank finally opens his eyes after a moment and smiles weakly up at him. 

"G'night, Gee. Have sweet dreams...I know I will."

He can't suppress a half smile then as he pats Frank's shoulder,"Sleep well, Frank. Who knows what tomorrow will bring."

Frank nods as his bloodshot eyes slide back shut but his smile remains, seeming to get bigger if possible. Gerard yawns lowly and turns towards his hallway, all thoughts of staying up to work on his next issue long gone as he heads to his room.

In his head words echo but he chooses to ignore them. _I always dream of you_. Of course Frank didn't say that. It was just in his head. He really needs to stop substituting coffee for sleep. 

_Gerard grumbles irritably as he tries desperately to ignore whatever trashy reality show is playing at that moment. After a while they all just seemed to run together and he couldn't really focus on anything anyways for longer than two seconds. His made his head ache and his stomach churn until he could feel the stomach acid in the back of his throat._

_"Hey, Gee. I made you some vegetable soup, no nasty meat at all. I made sure of it."Frank squeals happily as he sets the tray down on Gerard's lap._

_Gerard smiles brightly back at him, having to return his best friends bright smile,"Really? Thank you so much! I don't know what I'd do without you."_

_"It's no problem, Gerard. None at all. You're my best friend in the whole wide world, besides taking care of you is fun. 'Cept you being grumpy sometimes sucks."Frank squeezes him into a bone crushing hug and Gerard can't help giggling, cheeks reddening. Frank always makes everything so much better._

~~~~

 

Gerard wakes to the smelling of something burning. At first, he writes it off as being a hallucination from one of his weird as fuck dreams but the sound of his smoke alarm going off jarringly loud puts that idea to rest as quickly as it came.

He jumps up, stumbling as he runs into two separate walls as he makes it to the living room where Frank's place lays unoccupied. _Fuck,_ where could he fucking be? Gerard groans loudly as he rushes into the kitchen at the sound of hissed curses. 

He's met with the sight of Frank fucking Iero on the counter while a pile of pancakes sat next to him as he desperately reaches for the smoke alarm with an expression that could make the most hardcore punk cry and curses that could rival a seasoned sailor.

"What the fuck?"

Frank falls off the counter with a dull thud as Gerard stares at him, dumbfounded,"I-I wanted to make breakfast...as a thank you."

"Coffee...I need coffee."Gerard mumbles after a bit and Frank jumps up, handing him a cup that sits near his thankfully not on fire toaster.

"Sorry about the...you know. Just had a little mishap is all but it's okay now but that damn thing won't turn off."

Gerard doesn't answer, instead choosing to lose himself in his mug of pleasantly warm coffee. It's just what he fucking needs to deal with shit _this_ early. Behind him, Frank has gone quiet but it of course never lasts with him...not after he's been sick.

"You know you never told me that important thing you wanted to talk about. You know that thing we were meeting up at the bar for? What was it anyways?"Frank says after a few minutes but Gerard doesn't bother to look back.

He takes a deep breath, eyes closed and fights the urge to stop breathing completely,"I...I want to go back to New Jersey."

 


	12. Got no reason to believe

_**~~~~Chapter Eleven~~~~** _

 

Frank sucks in a ragged breath as he looks upon Gerard, his pajama clothed body shaking ever so slightly and if he had not been looking directly at the redhead then he would have surely missed it. It must be nerves, he quickly realized and yes it was well within reason. What was there not to be nervous about?

"I-I also want you to go with me, Frank. I can't do it alone."Gerard mumbles almost inaudibly but Frank still manages to _just_ hear him.

"I- We should probably talk about this. You wants some pancakes? I made pancakes."Frank rambles on, desperate to change the subject if only for a moment. There's no sense in making rash decisions this early in the morning.

"I'm fine...for now. Maybe later, though."Gerard replies as he takes a sip of his coffee,"I know you have a lot of questions, Frank. There's no point in bothering to put this off."

"I'm _not_....I just- _why?"_ Frank blurts out suddenly, not really knowing what else there could be said about this matter.

"I've been thinking about what you said, you know about going back? I think I want to....but only if you'll go with me. I don't think I could go by myself, Frank. Will you go back with me?"

Frank sighs inwardly and runs a tattooed hand through his annoyingly long hair,"Gee I-...yeah I will. Fuck it, they already know I'm alive anyways. What the fuck do I have to lose?"

A smile slowly spreads on Gerard's face and he knows, he fucking _knows_ he could never say no. It's just not possible, he'd rather kill himself than hurt Gerard again. Frank owes him this, even if it means possible getting the fuck beaten out of him. 

Frank is jerked from his thoughts as Gerard pulls him into a tight hug, so fucking _close_ and his instincts scream for him to shove Gerard away because _people can't touch him_ but he pushes it all away as he hesitantly hugs back. It's...nice. It feels like where he belongs, next to Gerard but he's not going to push his luck. 

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Frank. I would never have to courage do to it without you. You're the fucking best, I hope you know that."Gerard smiles brightly at him and _fuck_ Frank can't help but smile back. He had always had that kind of effect on Frank.

"I know, Gee, I know."He lets out a short bark of laughter, his voice a bit rough from the time he spent with a sore throat,"You always told me so. You never gave up on me even when I didn't know."

Gerard seems to squeeze him even tighter if that was possible and Frank could practically feel his heart beating out of his chest as he felt Gerard's breath against the side of his neck,"I always meant it too. You're the best, Frankie, and you always will be. What's done is done and I-well I wouldn't have it any other way."

"You're fucking one of a kind you know that? Everyone else sees me for piece of shit I am but you- well you always treated me like I meant the world to you. No one really ever looked at me in a positive light except you."

"Frank I-...You always were my whole world back then."

~~~~

 

_Frank keeps his eyes firmly shut as Gerard shifts in his arms. He had been awake for about an hour by now but hadn't moved much, wanting to keep the other boy as close to him for as long as possible. Whenever he was near Gerard, the whole world seemed to just fade away. It was just them and that was all that mattered._

_He lets his eyes open as he feels Gerard gently shaking him, wanting to see if he would wake no doubt. He couldn't suppress the smile that spread on his face then as he looked up at Gerard. His hair was a wild mess of green and black around his incredibly pale face, an imprint on his left cheek. He had some pretty serious fucking morning breath going on too that just mixed in with the fairly disgusting unwashed smell he had come to associate with Gerard but in that moment he couldn't care fucking less._

_It was when their eyes met that he knew....He fucking knew. He was hopelessly in love with Gerard Arthur Way- even if he did kind of smell like a garbage can sometimes- and nothing could ever change that._

Frank smiles down at his plate of half-eaten pancakes and glances at Gerard. His fiery red hair hung a bit longer than it was a few months ago, his skin a bit darker than it ever would have been when he was just a teen. It's like a kick in the stomach to think...to think how much he's changed yet it's still the same Gerard he knew from so long ago. It doesn't really seem like it should be that way after all that's happened.

"You know, we should probably discuss this "trip" back to New Jersey. We shouldn't put this off for any longer than we have to."

"Yeah I know...I just- are you _completely_ sure you want to do this, Gerard? I don't want you to rush into this and find something you aren't going to like because to be honest. I don't think everyone is going to respond very kindly when you show up after being assumed as dead and in the company of _me_ no less. If you're aware of that and still want to go then I'll be there with you even if it doesn't go well."

A long bout of silence follows his reply, it's not quite as uncomfortable at it could be but unwelcome just the same. That type of silence that was louder than anything he could ever say, it felt like he could insane just by trying to understand. 

"You know, I never envisioned myself going back. It was just one of things that could never happen. I've come to realize, though, as I've spent time with you that New York was like a second chance for me- or so it seemed. I thought I could get away from all my problems even if it meant leaving everyone and everything I loved behind. I never could have imagined that we'd meet again and I- well, Frank, you changed everything again. I need to go back even if its just for closure because without it I'll never be able to live with myself."Gerard answers quietly after a bit, face carefully hidden by his not quite long enough hair but the point was clear," I'm as sure as I'll ever be, Frank. I _need_ to do this."

"Then so be it."He tucks his bangs carefully behind his ear as he takes a small bite out of a syrup soaked piece of pancake, his stomach would probably be so fucked up afterwards but he honestly can't seem to give a fuck."We still need to discuss the details of all this if we're going back, of course. We need to figure the date and time we'll leave and transportation once we get there. There's just a bunch of shit we need to figure out, I also need to talk to my fucking boss and see if I happen to have any days off left that I could use because I _really_ don't need to lose my job."

"I know...This is going to take _a lot_ of planning but we'll get it done. When do you do think you'll be able to get in touch with your boss? That should probably be the thing to start with, I already know I'll have no problem with my boss considering I work from home."

"I'll go speak with him as soon I go to work. Honestly I don't think he'll mind too much since I'm actually going to ask for time off and not leave without saying shit to anyone like last time. By the way I- Well I have some friends I'd like you to meet."Frank mumbles, watching Gerard closely to try and distinguish his reaction but his expression only remains as blank as it was before.

"I thought you didn't have _friends,_ Frank. At least that's what you said anyways."

"I didn't think I did either but...they're really great. It just took me a while to realize I had a friend in them. You out of all people should know well how fucking stupid I can be. You don't have to meet them if you don't want to but I think you'd really like them." 

"Frank, I-"Gerard stops suddenly and turns to face him, a small smile appearing on his face as he starts again,"I'd be delighted to meet them."

Before he can stop himself, he reaches over and hesitantly takes Gerard's hand in his with a smile on his own face. Gerard's eyes widen in what seems to be shock but he doesn't pull away and his smile only seems to grow. Frank would quite readily give away the entire world if it meant he'd smile like that everyday.

" _Why are you smiling, asshole? I swear to god I will breathe on you, my morning breath is fierce."Gerard glares in what seems to be mock anger, getting even more "fierce" than his dreaded morning breath as Frank snorts and gives him a light push as he sits up._

_"Yeah right, Gee. You a dragon now? The almighty Smaug up in this motherfucker."_

_"If I'm Smaug then you must be Bilbo Baggins, you're short enough to be him. You trying to steal my treasure, hobbit?" Gerard shoots back at him, his cheeks dusted a light pink colour._

_"Why would I try to steal you? You're already in my bed anyways."_

 


	13. Venomous in the best of circumstances

_**~~~~~Chapter Twelve~~~~~** _

 

Frank stares up the ceiling blankly, tattooed fingers gripping the cotton blanket tightly as he struggles to find peace in the silence. It's dark all around him...that he notices first. It's so strange how it changes, the darkness used to be his escape when he couldn't stand to face it all.

Here...It all seemed so far away and he could finally forget. It seemed like he could finally have a second chance and he had felt almost content at first in pretending that he wasn't a sorry excuse for a human being. He doesn't want to forget anymore, it's been a long since he had. His memories are just a part of him, they helped him stay sane at his weakest. He'd never admit it but...He's not ready to go back, he never was.

It doesn't matter, though, not anymore. He _has_ to go back...if not for Gerard then for himself. Gerard was right in a way he guesses, if he wanted closure then they'd have to go back....back to where it all began.

_Frank holds the drawing to his chest as if it'll bring him that closeness he craves so much, tears running down his flushed cheeks. He could have never imagined even in the very worst of his nightmares that this could happen. It can't be true....can it?_

_Was he really that much of a monster to drive the poor boy to suicide? He knew well that this was all his fault. He could never deny it. No, not anymore._

_The dark haired boy looks around the barren room as a shaky sob escapes him and he doesn't think he can find the strength to stand. A hand fall on his shoulder and he flinches away, staring with wide eyes at the tear stained face of Mikey Way._

_"You should probably go."_

_Frank nods once and shakily rises to his feet, folding the paper carefully and tucking it into his pocket,"I-I'm sorry."_

_"Just go, Frank...Please."_

~~~~~

 

"So what do you do for a living?"

"Oh well, uh...Mostly things having to do with comic books I guess, I mean I don't really have anything _big_ going on in the comic book world but I have had an issue recently published. I mean that's what I'm doing now but I did dabble a bit in painting when I first got out of art school."Gerard rambles, chewing on his thumbnail absentmindedly.

"You mean Umbrella Academy right?"Patrick asks, taking a sip of his beer as Andy slips back into booth beside him.

"Oh- well yeah. How'd you know?"Gerard tilts his head in confusion and _fuck_ he shouldn't be able to look that fucking cute without trying.

Frank smiles to himself, content with watching his friends conversate with each other. There wasn't really any need for his input. Not tonight. He didn't really have the energy to be good company anyways but Gerard was clearly having a good time and that was all that mattered.

"- _Frank??"_

He's jerked out of his thoughts suddenly, turning towards the sound of his name,"Oh uh, what?"

"You've been talking about me??"Gerard says accusingly but he could tell in even this shitty lighting that Gerard was indeed blushing. _Oh_

"Maybe."Frank chuckles quietly, taking a sip of his Diet Coke."How could I not? I couldn't resist the urge to tell _someone_ about the best thing to ever happen to me."

"You exaggerate."The light rosy colour of Gerard's cheeks only seems to get darker as he smiles almost shyly down at the table,"I'm really not."

"That's complete bullshit and we both know it, Gee. I-"

Patrick cuts him off before he can finish his reply,"You shouldn't put yourself down, Gerard. I think Frank truly believes you are. I mean it's pretty obvious with how he goes on and on about you that he thinks you're the most amazing person to ever exist."

Frank flinches away ever so slightly as he feels something touch his arm but manages to stay still as he quickly realizes what it is. Gerard doesn't even look back at him as he holds on to Frank's hand, only the slightest hint of a smile giving it all away.

He manages to tear his eyes away from Gerard for a moment to look towards Patrick and Andy who he hadn't had much interaction with this evening. They were whispering to each other, low enough to where he couldn't really make out anything other than a few words here and there.

"So uh...We're about to go get some more drinks. Just Andy and I. We'll be back in a minute."Patrick mumbles, his face almost completely pink as he manages to get out of the tiny booth without much difficulty.

Patrick and Andy quickly rush off in the general direction of the counter but sure enough they disappear from sight, blocked completely by the surprisingly small crowd. He wouldn't be at all surprised if they don't come back. They _always_ do this when they're all out at a bar. Honestly he feels sorry for whatever poor soul had the misfortune of finding their mess.

"So on and on huh?"

Gerard's still smiling when he looks back, but there's just something...different though he couldn't exactly say _what._ He can't but smile back,"Maybe. I mean why not? I know you have to have realized by how much you mean to me. You're something special, Gerard."

"You really think so don't you?"Gerard says softly, only a small curve to his thin lips left as he moves a bit closer to Frank.

"I _know_ so."Their eyes finally meet and nothing else really seems to matter. He's never been so sure of something in his entire life. Frank closes the small distance between them, not giving himself any time to think as his lips just barely brush against Gerard's. 

He can feel how the other man stiffens suddenly but doesn't pull away as he relaxes once again. One of Gerard's ink smeared hands slides up his uncovered arm as he kisses back almost tentatively, like he wasn't quite sure this was a good idea and honestly it probably wasn't but in this moment he couldn't care less. Everything might just be okay.

They're both breathing heavily when they inevitably part and a dark flush has settled on Gerard's skin but he only looks all the more lovely. All he can do is smile, not even all the words in the world could truly convey how stunning Gerard was inside _and_ out.

"Maybe we should...you know get out of here?"Gerard ducks his head down, his bright hair blocking most of his face."Patrick and Andy aren't coming back are they?"

"Probably not...and that's a good thing I suppose."

Gerard's still holding on rather tightly to his hand when they make it outside but he wouldn't dare say anything. It's not like he minds anyways. He brushes some of his irritatingly long hair away from his face with his free hand before he turns to face Gerard.

"So um, I'm fairly sure your apartment is closer than mine is. Would you mind if I just stayed over with you tonight?"

"I don't mind in the slightest. I mean it's just common sense right? Besides then we won't have to worry about waking up late."Frank replies, trying desperately to act calmly but he was honestly failing _miserably._

A comfortable silence settles over them as they walk through the dimly lit street, still hand in hand even as Frank's apartment building comes into view not fifteen minutes later. He glances over at Gerard every so often but his face is mostly blank other than the apprehension that showed clearly in his eyes. 

Frank unlocks the door quickly, trying not to let his own fucking negativity get to him as he leads Gerard inside his as always immaculate apartment. He can't fucking deal with messiness.

"You know I never noticed it the last time I was here but your place is really fucking clean. That never changed huh?"Gerard comments and Frank can't help but grin.

"What can I say, man? I like everything being nice and neat and all that shit."He chuckles," So uh you'll be sleeping on the couch I guess? It's not that bad honestly but you should probably let me set it up for you before you try and sleep on it."

"Yeah I kind of figured that, Frank. So uh can we get set up? We should probably be going to sleep soon if we want to make it there in time."

Frank just nods before he goes off to his hall closet in search of all the extra blankets and pillows he knows are in there. He drops his findings in one big pile on the arm of the couch as he sets to making it as comfortable as can which really isn't easy.

He yawns quietly before focusing his gaze on Gerard,"So um...night?"

Gerard walks over to him, his footsteps oddly silent as he's suddenly right up next to him. He presses a kiss to Frank's cheek quickly before backing away,"Night, Frankie."

He turns then and heads for his bedroom. It's only behind his closed door that he touches his cheek lightly, a small smile spreading on his face as he lays back on his bed. 

It had been a good night.

~~~

 

Frank takes a deep breath, willing himself to keep calm if only to keep Gerard from becoming even more fucking nervous than he clearly already was. They had both done pretty well in not completely freaking out for most of the trip but as they got closer and closer to their destination it got harder suppress it all. They'd be in Gerard's old neighborhood soon and he just really couldn't fucking believe it.

_Frank's eyelids are heavy when he wakes. A pleasant warmth taking the place that had been cold for so long and yet it didn't strike him as odd....until he opened his eyes, that is._

_Gerard was curled up against his side, his face pressed against Frank's chest and an arm thrown over his middle. How the fuck had he gotten here? His heart was nearly beating out of his chest as he looked upon the sleeping man. He was completely sure that Gerard had been on the couch last night when he had retreated to his room and he was fairly sure Gerard had been wearing pants as well._

_Frank glances back down at him and jerks slightly when his eyes are met by the very one's that used to haunt him. Those fucking hazel eyes. They seemed to stare right into his soul at that moment._

_"Well...this is awkw-"_

"Uhh...Frankie?"

Frank jumps slightly, frowning as he turns to face Gerard,"What?"

"We're here. Can you do something for me, Frank?"Gerard asks, staring at him with wide eyes.

"What is it, Gee?"

"Just...well can you hold my hand? It's kind of stupid, I know, but it would really help if you would. I promise I won't break your hand."He's chewing on his nails once again and it's quite obvious that he's nervous.

"Of course, dude. So are we getting out or what?"Frank replies, mirroring Gerard's own level of calm,"Oh and Gee? I just want you to know whatever happens....Well I'm here for you okay?"

Gerard looks conflicted for a moment before his expression clears up and he nods quickly. He just about kicks the door open while Frank works on getting the goddamn seatbelt of doom undone. 

As soon as Frank makes it to his side of the car, Gerard grabs his hand. He holds on tightly as they walk up the walkway to the front door to the point where his knuckles are white and while it is a bit uncomfortable, he won't have to deal with anything worse than a hand cramp whenever Gerard decides to release his hand from this deathgrip.

He manages to catch the other man's attention for a moment before they knock and he sends him a reassuring smile, to his surprise Gerard smiles back though there is an edge of panic to it.

Gerard takes a deep breath, visibly shaking as he knocks. Oddly enough it doesn't sound as frightening as it should. For all they know whoever is on the other side of this door might throw the biggest fit in history. At least he could be here for Gerard. So he wouldn't be alone for whatever the outcome of this all was.

Finally the door swings open and it seems they've both forgot how to breathe. Mikey hadn't seem to notice who they were yet, of course looking down at his damn phone as if it were the most important thing in the world.

"What do you wa-"He finally looks up, pushing his glasses back up his nose as his eyes widen and he takes a step back.

Before anyone can get a word in a voice sounds inside the house,"Who's at the door, babe?" Suddenly Pete fucking Wentz appeared, wrapping his arms around Mikey's waist and he couldn't help but feel like the world was truly falling apart.

Gerard seems to finally find his voice then, his hand tightening on Frank's.

"Surprise?"

 


	14. Putting the lie in believe

**_~~~~~Chapter Thirteen~~~~~~_ **

 

Gerard stares down at his feet awkwardly, trying his hardest to keep even the slightest bit calm. It was only getting more and more difficult to control as the silence lived on. At least Frank was here, honestly if he hadn't come along then he would have surely bolted by now.

"So....What the fuck??"Mikey blurts out suddenly, the mixture of disbelief, confusion, and perhaps the slightest bit of anger in his voice was as clear as if it were written on his face,"Where the fuck have you been all these years? None of this makes any fucking sense!"

"I'm sorry, Mikey, this isn't really how I expected this all to go. I just....I don't know how to explain it."He mumbles, looking up carefully after a long pause."I've been in New York. To be honest I didn't really plan to ever come back here. This was really Frank's idea from the start but I'm glad we came. Even if you all hate me forever at least I'll know and be able to get on with my life."

"All this time....and you've been in New York. We all thought you were _dead_....both of you actually. There was some talk from Jamia and Lindsey that Frank was still alive and was hiding out in New York but I didn't believe it. We all thought he had finally killed himself after all the blame was thrown at him for your death. It was easier blaming him actually than ourselves for not noticing how miserable you apparently were. Guess we were all wrong huh? You had us all fooled...even _him."_

"I know you're mad, Mikey, and honestly you have every right to be but you have to understand if I had stayed any longer than I would have killed myself. I was in a really miserable place at that point and I needed the change before I did something I regret. I've done good for myself. I've cleaned up my act and actually made something of my life."Gerard glances down at his hand and Frank's hand, fingers still entwined and he knows well that wouldn't change anything if he could. Thing's would work themselves out at some point even if it took some time.

Mikey runs a hand over his face with a low groan before slumping back in his chair,"This is so fucked up."

"So you two planned it huh? Didn't know you were such a romantic, Iero."Pete says after a moment, appearing by Mikey's side.

"No, it was nothing like that at all. I was just as clueless as the rest of you except infinitely more guilty. I had still been trying to come to terms with it all when we met again."Frank spoke up for the first time since they had left the car, drawing all attention to him for the moment and for that he was glad. Perhaps Gerard could manage to keep it together just long enough to get this over and done with.

"Pete, why don't you and Frank go check on the brownies? I'd like to talk to my brother alone for a bit."Mikey says quietly, sitting up in his flower printed chair.

Frank opens his mouth as if to protest but quickly shuts it as Gerard turns to him,"It's fine, Frank. Really. I'll be okay. Promise." He presses a light kiss to Frank's cheek but it doesn't escape his brother's notice though he doesn't say anything. 

There's silence then as Pete and Frank shuffle out of the living room. Even once he's fairly sure they're gone, still Mikey says nothing. He stands suddenly, startling the fuck out of Gerard as he makes his way over to him without a word. He slumps down in the seat next to him with a sigh, crossing his arms over his narrow chest.

"So you and Frank huh?"

Gerard stares up at the ceiling with a frown,"We're...Well we're something I guess. We haven't exactly talked about it. Not really much reason to anyways, we both know what there is between us."

"He really cares about you. That much is for sure. Does he treat you okay?"Mikey asks, sitting up suddenly but he remains mostly calm.

"He's been pretty great honestly even when I was a complete dick to him. He's not the same as he used to be. Frank...Well he holds onto a lot of guilt because of the shit he did in the past. Specifically the shit he did to _me."_

"You know I actually felt bad when we got the news that he had just up and left without telling anyone. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for blaming your death on him. I knew it wasn't his fault and I'm sure everyone else did too." 

Mikey moves closer and wraps his bony arms around Gerard. Gerard hugs back hesitantly, tears pricking up in his eyes,"I fucking missed you, Gee. Don't you _dare_ do this shit to any of us ever again."

"I missed you too, Mikey. I'm so fucking sorry."Gerard sniffles, his words coming out muffled.

"I know, Gee, I know. At least you're here now right?"There's a long pause then before Mikey pulls back, concern standing out clearly in his expression,"Were you guys planning to stay for dinner?"

"Well uh...I didn't know we were invited. I didn't even expect to get past the door honestly."

"You're family, Gerard. You could kill a man and you'd still be welcome to come. Now are you staying for dinner or what?"Mikey says impatiently, glancing to the door as if some hideous monster would come to break the door down at any minute,"Frank is uh...welcome to stay too if he wishes but I have to warn you we are having _certain_ guests over that are going to take one look at you and freak out."

Who-"He freezes suddenly, eyes widening as he stares back at his brother in horror,"Oh god you mean Jamia and Lindsey don't you?"

"Yep, so if you're staying then you two would be best off staying out of the way after they get here until dinner. They won't try to beat you up at the dinner table, Ma won't allow it. _Afterwards,_ however, I can make no promises."

Gerard nods, not really knowing what else to do. This whole day was honestly just getting crazier and crazier,"Do you know when they'll get here? Frank and I can head down to the basement now if it's not too crowded with boxes or whatever you've stored in there."

"Actually....It's the same as the day you left. _Well_ there's a lot more dust than before but Ma refused to let us go down there to even clean. She was pretty broken up after...you know."Mikey replies after a moment, looking at his bitten down nails,"And, uh...They should be getting here-" They somehow manage to knock in the each other with a muttered curse as there's a sudden banging at the door.

"Mikey Way, open this goddamn door! We brought like a pie and everything."

They share a look and Mikey nods as Gerard rises to his feet,"You know where we'll be." With that he heads through the little hallway to the kitchen where Frank will likely still be.

He's leaning against the counter when he finds them, Pete seeming to be laughing at absolutely nothing. He's not entirely sure that dude can even be remotely serious about _anything._ He grabs Frank's hand without a word, pulling him along farther as they reach the other hallway that leads to hi- the basement. 

It's not until they've carefully locked the door and made their way down the stairs that he attempts to say anything to the other man. Frank is staring at him, arms crossed and an eyebrow raised when Gerard turns to face him and his voice catches in his throat, only a low noise coming from him that he really doubted Frank would understand.

"Care to tell me why we're down here?"

"I-I...er."Gerard mumbles out slowly, he _really_ wasn't at his best today. Not even fucking near it,"Jamia and Lindsey are coming for dinner and we're kind of invited to dinner too? Except they don't know about us being here and me not being dead so Mikey suggested we stay down here till dinner when ma gets back."

In that moment, Frank seems to go totally pale, almost as pale as him really which isn't easy. He fights the urge to hug him as Frank backs away, running a hand over his face with a groan.

 _"Great,_ fuck this is going to be so bad. Come hug me, motherfucker! This might be the last chance I get to before they cut us up into little pieces."Frank glares at him but it's obvious any anger in his gaze isn't directed towards Gerard,"They'll be more angry at me than you for sure. I'll be surprised if they don't somehow come to the conclusion that I kidnapped you."

Gerard hesitantly steps forward and wraps his arms around Frank who immediately does the same. He holds onto him tightly even though it's unlikely they'll actually do that, just the very thought fucks his emotions all up and he doesn't really know whether he wants to laugh or to cry.

Suddenly Frank presses his lips against his and then there's nothing. His mind just seems to go blank and he can't help but kiss back as if it's the only thing that seems to make any sense anymore. His lips part just a bit as Frank's arm tightens around his waist and he slips his tongue into Gerard's mouth. He makes a soft noise as their tongues meet and finally he has to pull away, opening his eyes as he breathes in deeply trying desperately to ignore what's really the cause of how fast his heart beats right now.

He smiles faintly at Frank, his cheeks dusted with pink as they shakily make their way to the bed, still clinging to each other. They lay there together for minutes or for a century, does it ever really matter? Frank mumbles something against his hair, but he doesn't care to focus on what he's truly saying. Gerard just wants to lay there with him, however long they may have. 

~~~~~~~

 

Gerard knows he's squeezing Frank's hand rather tightly but at the moment he is _so fucking close_ to freaking out. Fuck, this wasn't going to end well was it? 

"Gee?"

He turns to face Frank slowly, eyes wide,"Yeah?" 

"It'll be okay, Gee, I _know_ it will be. I'm here for you and I'm sure your toothpick brother is too. If it gets to be too much just...pinch me and we'll go take a fucking walk or something, just get away from here for a bit." Gerard hugs him suddenly, almost pulling him off the floor in the process.

" _Thank you,_ Frankie."Is all he manages to get out before Mikey whistles shrilly, AKA their signal and they have to go.

He takes a deep breath, holding on tightly to Frank's hand as they make step into the kitchen where everyone was seated around the table. It doesn't even take a moment for them to be noticed and he just about stops breathing as Lindsey and Jamia stare into his soul.

Oh _fuck,_ this is bad. This is so fucking bad.

"So anyone want to tell us what the _fuck_ is going on?"

 


	15. Forever for a moment

_**~~~~~Chapter Fourteen~~~~~~** _

 

Frank gazes around the mostly quiet room as Gerard steps closer to him as if he were the very source of his power. He gives Gerard's hand a squeeze as if to reassure him though he honestly has no idea what's going to happen. If anything he just needs to keep Gerard calm, he'd need to be if they were going to get through this tonight.

"We- Well uh- We're back?"Gerard utters weakly, taking a step back almost as if out of instinct.

"You're _back,_ back from what. The fucking dead? Yeah I don't think so somebody better start explaining what's going on _right the fuck now_."If her anger wasn't clear in her words then her furious glare was sure to confirm what was already obvious.

"I-"Before anyone can manage to say another word, there's a gasp and his hand is forcefully removed from Gerard's as he is jerked away suddenly from Frank and pulled into a hug by none other than Ms.Way.

He steps quickly to the side, careful not to get in their way as Gerard flailed and then stilled suddenly. Surprisingly enough, he didn't look like he was going to work himself into a panic but rather just shocked as if it had just dawned on him that this sort of thing might happen.

"M-mom?"Gerard stutters out, still held closely to the clearly aging woman.

"Tell me this isn't a dream. You all see him too right, _right?_ "Her voice trembles as she gazes around the room with her remarkably dark eyes and Frank can't help but to look away when she looks to him.

"Yeah, ma. We see him too. Gerard- Well he's really here."Mikey says finally, seemingly calm if you weren't listening well enough. Anyone could really hear the hesitation in his tone, as if he too was unsure this was anything but perhaps a nightmare,"He came back."

"How is this even _possible?_ We-I  Oh lord none of this makes any sense but I have my oldest back. Where have you _been?"_

"That's what we'd like to know."Jamia butts in quickly, not giving anyone time to answer even if either of them could come up with a response.

"We'll explain, uh, later? Let's all sit down and have dinner while we try to make it easy as we can to understand." Frank jerks slightly, his heart jumping in his chest as his and Gerard's hand join once again. When had Ms.Way let him go? He was glad to have him back by his side all the same.

Nearly everyone turns to stare at Frank then, as if they had suddenly became aware of his existence. Jamia's expression quickly turns to one of disgust and he can't help but roll his eyes as they walk towards the table.

"What is _he_ doing here?" Frank chooses to ignore her as he takes a seat next to Gerard.

"Why wouldn't he be? It was his idea to come back and he so kindly agreed to come with me so I wouldn't have to face you all alone." Gerard replies cooly, his hand tightening on Frank's as he glances around the table.

Jamia's eyes widen and she opens her mouth as if to say something but quickly closes it as she shares a look with Lindsey. She glares down at the pie angrily then, arms crossed as everyone starts to put some food on their plates in silence. The only sound that can be heard is the clinking of the silverware against their plates as they ate but you could cut the tension in the air with a knife.

"Are you two going to tell us what's going on or what? Don't just leave us waiting."

"I- _Well_ I left....for New York. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing but if I had to do it again I would. I'm not going to lie about that. Everything was so messed up with Elena's passing and my troubles with Frank, I just realised that I wouldn't be able to save myself if I stayed."Gerard's voice is soft as he tells them what he wants them to know, some things he knows well are better left hidden,"I don't regret my decision, it led me to where I am now and I have something that's really worth it going for me."

"That's pretty fucking heartless you know. You just left your family to grieve, you let them believe you were _dead_ just for your own selfish wants." Jamia scoffs, tossing her fork down carelessly.

"He needed to leave, don't you understand that? Sometimes you have to leave things behind in order for your life to get better. You don't think he feels guilty for doing it? I've _seen_ the dude overrun with guilt to the point where I felt bad myself. This situation is pretty fucked up for everyone involved so don't start with that shit. You can't just live in the past, pretending that what you think you know is fact."Frank snaps suddenly, willing himself to stay calm. 

"Stop fighting, children! It won't get you anywhere and it's taking time away that we could be using to catch everyone up. What exactly _have_ you been doing for the past few years and what does this.... _man_ have to do with it?"

Ms.Way proves to be quite effective in getting them all to shut their mouths and actually listen. It must be the parent in her, though it might be that glare that is so eerily similar to Mikey's.

"I got accepted into SVA a week before I left so I already knew I had that going for me. It took a while but I got through it and I ended up getting published shortly after I graduated. It was a major shock to me."Gerard starts again after a few minutes, eyes darting between his mother and Frank."I didn't run into Frank until, like a few months ago. I must admit I didn't exactly handle it well. It was...hard to see him after trying desperately to repress memories of everything before New York."

"What I'm wondering is where the fuck Iero comes into this. Why was he even in New York in the first place?"Lindsey says slowly, brow furrowing as she seems to look into Frank's soul.

"I left, of course, and New York is closest. Great minds think alike, I guess. It's pretty obvious."Frank rolls his eyes irritably, desperately wishing for some peace and quiet for once. He gets the feeling they wouldn't be getting very much of that while they were here." I'm just trying to make things right- even if it's only with Gerard. I've spent a lot of time drowning in the vast amount of guilt I felt because of all the horrible things I've done. He didn't deserve any of it. No one ever did. It seems like I'm not the only one here with that same train of thought though."

Pete grins like the asshole he knows he is and leans over to pat Mikey on his blonde head,"Yes, yes I did. Thanks for the recognition. I changed my bullying ways soon after you left. It got me to thinking about how it was really us who was fucked up and not them. I tried to make amends with people but that just resulted in _a lot_  of slammed doors. I tried it with Mikey too and he just punched the fuck out of me. Gave me like a huge black eye. Turned out to be the best decision I ever made."

Mikey smacks Pete in the arm as he reaches over again,"What getting punched? I think you've hit your head too many times running around with Bronx."

"Who's Bronx?"

They both turn to face Gerard suddenly, Mikey's expression unreadable while Pete beamed,"He's my son."

Frank nearly chokes on the piece of carrot he's swallowing, his face turning deep red as he coughs," _what_?"

Gerard pats him on the back lightly, not really all that helpful. He seemed to be in the exact state Frank was in, shock overwhelming him more than anything. Since when did _Pete_ have a kid?

"Don't be such a drama queen, you'll turn into _him._ It's not that crazy for me to have a kid! I'd probably have a lot by now if I hadn't hooked up with mostly dudes back then. Dudes are way better anyways."

"Speak for yourself."Lindsey mutters, coughing lightly as if that'll stop them from hearing. 

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."Pete's stupid grin only seems to get wider, arm around Mikey's thin shoulders.

"Girls rule, motherfucker. Deal with it."Lindsey shoots back, glancing quite obviously at Jamia.

"I told you."Frank whispers to Gerard, careful not to look up as Pete and Lindsey continue to bicker.

The other man responds by elbowing him lightly in the side but he doesn't take any offense from it. He bumps his elbow into Gerard's without looking at him but he knows Gerard is barely keeping it together. This all must be a lot for him to take in, for everyone here really. 

"C'mon, Iero, back me up! You've been with both, aren't dudes _way_ better than chicks?"

Jamia scoffs,"Oh yeah, because Frank has _totally_ been with a dude. Try again, asshole."

Frank can't help the grin that rises on his face when Jamia looks absolutely horrified as Gerard leans down a bit and kisses his cheek,"Thing's change, you know. Gerard and I..." Frank trails off not quite sure how to describe their relationship if there even was one.

"Frank and I are together. It just took us some time to actually figure it all out."Gerard finishs for him and his heart seems to skip a beat when their eyes meet.

"No fucking way. So Iero figured out how much of a homo he really is? Sounds like a goddamn miracle to me. He should have figured it out a long time ago and we could have avoided this mess."Lindsey mumbles through a mouth full of lettuce.

"Yes, yes Iero could have been less of a dick. Drugs will do that to you and we can all learn a nice lesson from it but we're getting away from the _real_ subject here. Chicks or dicks?"

"Let's just agree they're both nice and move one."Ms.Way finally butts in and Frank nearly jumps, having completely forgotten about her."Now on to more pressing matters. Where will you two be staying tonight?"

"Well, we were actually just going to get a hotel room after we left since we still need to go see Frank's grandma and some others."Gerard says after a moment, sipping on his drink.

"Nonsense, you'll stay here! We'll even be sure to wake you up nice and early so you'll have enough time. I suppose there's no use in trying to separate you two so you can just sleep in the basement after we set it up for you."

"That could work if it's not too much trouble. It'd probably be a lot easier this way anyways, it's been a really long day."Gerard replies quietly, seemingly oblivious to all the people watching him.

"Well since that's all settled. I think it's about time for dessert!" Ms.Way smiles widely, her ruby red lipstick smeared slightly on one side as she stands.

"Who wants pie?"

~~~~

 

Frank smiles faintly as Gerard inches closer to him in the darkness. He pushes his dark bangs out of his face before wrapping an arm around the other man's waist.

Gerard hums contently, laying his head on Frank's chest," We really did it, didn't we? It's hard to believe that after all these years we're finally back."

"Yeah, it's pretty crazy. It's so hard to believe we're actually here it but you know I'm actually kind of glad we came back."

"Me too. Frankie, me too. We should get some sleep. We've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow."Gerard mumbles, his words a bit muffled by Frank's shirt.

"Well goodnight, Gee. Sweet dreams."He yawns, letting his eyes finally slide shut.

There's silence between them as they settle into their places and it allows Gerard to get even closer to Frank. He keeps his arm around Gerard's waist, though he seriously doubted that he would want Frank to let him go. Still it had been a long day but Frank wasn't going to let him go unless he absolutely had to.

"Hey Frank?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you...for everything."

 


	16. Close your eyes

_**~~~~~~Chapter Fifteen~~~~~~~** _

 

_It was completely dark around him, that he noticed first. It threatened to consume him entirely, it was something he had gotten used to long ago. At night it was only him and the blackness that surrounded him, perhaps there really had been nothing as they said._

_His eyes slide shut as he tugs his blanket up to just under chin though there wasn't really much cause other than the goosebumps that rose up on his body as the shadows seemed to move fluidly around him. It was all his head, he tried to reassure himself, and perhaps it really was but he'd never get the chance to find out if he could help it._

_He could feel the beginnings of a horrible headache as he layed there, as still as he could possibly be. There was nothing he could do then but wait..Wait for morning to come again. If it would ever come at all._

Frank jerked awake abruptly, sweat running down his back and making his clothing stick to him as he waited for his breathing to even out. He tried to keep as calm as he could as he took in his surroundings, trying desperately to recall where he was and how the fuck he had got here.

"You okay?" A hand grips his wrist suddenly and he can barely keep from pulling away as he hears those slurred words.

It quickly rushes back to him as he looks to the man cuddled up against his side, seemingly dead to the world if you didn't know better. Gerard's grip on his wrist loosens as Frank relaxes back against his pillow, at ease once more.

"I'm okay. I just...had a bad dream is all."He murmures, letting his eyes slide back shut though it would be a long time for him to sleep once again.

"Want to talk about it?"Gerard mumbles, eyes still closed as he presses a clumsy kiss near Frank's hairline.

"Not particularly. At least...Not right now? It's not that important."

Gerard yawns quietly, his hand coming to rest on Frank's stomach,"Okay, Frankie, if you say so. I'm going to get some more sleep while I still can and I suggest you do the same. You can tell me all about it when you're ready."

He doesn't respond, just shifts a bit in what little space he has until he gets more comfortable. It only makes him much closer to Gerard than he was before if that was somehow possible. He doesn't mind it in the slightest, it's.... _nice_ to have someone to hold close after all these years.

Gerard looks positively content, curled up against his side as if there weren't any other place in the world that could be as perfect. It certainly seemed like it. He manages a smile before closing his eyes once again, feeling the tension in his body drain as he settles in.

Maybe he would finally get some more sleep tonight. He'd need it come morning. 

~~~~

 

"I mean it, Gerard. You can just stay here and visit with your family if you want while I go to see about my grandma. I'm sure you have a lot to catch up on. I don't want you to waste any time."Frank sighs, pushing his bangs back securely behind his ear.

"Well I want to, okay? I do want to spend time with my family but that can wait till later. I want to be there with you when you see your grandma again....and maybe later we can see mine."Gerard replies quietly, smiling at him as he pulls on his second boot.

Frank stops then, turning back to look at him."If that's what you want to do then so be it and while we're there we can go visit my parents. It's...been a while."

His medium length hair has fallen into his face as he reaches down to grab a hoodie from the floor but his wide eyes are still visible amongst all that red. He rises to his feet then tugging it on as he walks across the room, his smile never waivering.

"That's why we're here, Frank." Gerard says softly, combing his fingers through Frank's wild hair."Are you ready to go yet? I'm ready when you are."

"Yeah, I'm ready. Let's go."He swipes up the car keys from the bedside table before he starts up the stairs, Gerard following close behind him.

Once upstairs, he could people moving about and already knew they were going to get held up. There was no doubt in his mind about that. He just hopes they'd be able to get out in time to go see his grandma at the very least. If it was even possible anyways.

"So you two have _finally_ managed to get out of bed. We didn't think we'd be seeing you today."Lindsey comments with a smirk as Frank first passes the entrance to the kitchen.

"We had to get out sometime. We actually have to go see some people today but we'll be back to spend time with everybody later!"Gerard says quietly, almost into Frank's ear as he comes into the kitchen not a minute after Frank.

"Do you _really_ have to, Iero isn't pushing you into going is he?"Jamia asks, purposely not looking at them as she flips some golden pancakes over.

Frank can't help but roll his eyes as leans up against the wall beside Gerard. Jamia was never going to get with the present was she? It certainly didn't seem like it, _especially_ when he caught sight of the disgust in her expression when she said his name.

"I told him he could stay. If he wanted but he insisted on going. I'm not going to force him to stay besides I could really use the company." Frank smiles at Gerard briefly and is delighted when it is returned as he continues,"We shouldn't be gone long but I can make no promises on when we'll be back."

"You guys can go but I'm warning you now. If you don't come back we will hunt you down and beat you _both_ six feet into the ground. That isn't a threat, it's a _promise."_

"Oh and here are some muffins. You better get going if you don't want to get caught by Donna."Jamia adds on to what Lindsey had said with a grin.

"We weren't asking for permission but okay, you've got your point across. What kind of muffins?" Frank replies, stepping forward to take a gander at the almost brown muffins.

"Don't push your luck, Iero. They're blueberry and the most delicious thing you'll ever eat so enjoy."Lindsey grabs a few with the oven mitts still on her hands and puts them in a container. She whirls around suddenly and hands it to Gerard who starts to back away into the hallway.

"We need to get going, Frank. Mom will be getting up soon if she isn't already. We'll see you guys later!" With that Gerard grabs Frank by his forearm and pulls him down the hallway till they reach the living room.

It's completely empty except for a stuffed unicorn in gold but they obviously weren't too worried about that. Outside the leaves on the trees were already starting to change in colour, only the slightest bit of green among the brown and orange. It did nothing to calm his nerves as they made their way to the car. He unlocks the doors rather slowly and gets in, cranking it while Gerard was still getting in. They made sure to buckle up even though they were only going to be going maybe a block or two if not less.

He takes in the deserted streets around him with a frown that only grew as they got to his old neighborhood. It wasn't _that_ cold out, usually the children played outside up until winter. At least that's how it used to be. He wonders idly what else has changed and if he even wants to know.

They pull up into the driveway of his old house not ten minutes later and the butterflies in his stomach only grew as they parked and the only thing left to do was get out. To see what had become of his grandma, if she even still lived here. Who the fuck was he kidding? He wasn't ready for this, he never was.

Frank jumps slightly, jerked out of his thoughts when he feels Gerard's hand over his. When he turns, he can fully see Gerard's empathetic smile and comes to realise that he was trying to calm him down or at least trying to anyways.

"It's alright, Frank. Everything's going to be just fine, remember?"He says softly, his bangs falling into his face like it did when they were younger. Gerard lets out a squeak as Frank suddenly leans over and hugs him tightly.

When he finally lets him go and retreats back to his own seat, he smiles back at him." C'mon let's go."

They walk across the neatly cut grass to get to the front door. Frank can't see any lights on the inside but he tries to stay positive. It _is_ his grandma after all, she never had liked having all the lights on. Finally he knocks a few times and to him they sound unbelievably loud. After a few minutes he hears a faint call followed by the door opening to reveal a mousy haired woman with plain features.

"Can I help you?" She asks but it doesn't sound the slightest bit friendly. 

"Does Lillian Iero still, uh, live here?" Frank mumbles, barely loud enough to be heard. He had a feeling this really wasn't going to turn out well.

"She does." The woman arches an eyebrow and looks them over with a critical eye."Why do you ask?"

"I'm here to see her. I'm her grandson, Frank Iero." 

"Uh huh, I'm _sure_ you are. Why don't you ju- " Before she finish whatever she was saying, a faint voice comes from inside the house. _"Who's at the door?"_

"It's nobody important. They're just leaving now."She replies without turning. She gives them a look as if _daring_ them to protest.

_"Send them in then. I haven't had guests in weeks."_

"No I said- you know what? Whatever just go on in. You've got twenty minutes then you've got to go."The woman groans, rubbing her broad hand over her face. Frank makes sure not to look her in the face as he and Gerard walk in so she can not possibly steal his soul for simply existing."It's the last do-"

Frank cuts her off abruptly but keeps walking,"I know where her room. I'm her _grandson."_

He stops at her partially closed door, taking a deep breath before pushing it open all the way. There was no turning back now. All the air rushes out of his lungs in that moment and he takes a step back out of shock. 

She was bone thin, her skin sagging off her in ways that shouldn't be possible. It was like she had started melting away as time has decided she's not far off from meeting her end. His grandmother smiled absently in their general direction but didn't really seem to _actually_ notice their existence.

"Frank, is that you?" She rasped, pointing at him with her bony finger,"Where's Linda, I want to hold the baby before you go."

"W-what? Grandma, it's me Frank...your _grandson."_ Frank stares at her with wide eyes, flinching slightly as he feels Gerard's hand on just arm just below his shoulder.

He can see the confusion cloud up in her eyes as she frowns before her expression seems to clear up. She struggles to sit up, only managing to fall back once again. He rushes to her side then, carefully helping her sit upright.

"Frank...my grandson. _Right!_ And you brought muffins, how nice." It was then that he noticed Gerard standing awkwardly right behind him with the container of muffins they hadn't gotten around to eating. 

"Here you go. They're blueberry." Gerard says quickly, handing the container to her as he can't wait to get rid of it."Uh, I think they're still warm?"

She picks one up, her bony fingers digging into it as she takes a bite out of it,"Are you back from school already? You two should get to studying, it's important."

There was a pregnant silence before Gerard mumbled quietly,"We're...not in school anymore, Ms. Lillian."

Her expression quite clearly expressed her disapproval but before she could say anything, the woman from before entered the room. She looked around the room with a scowl before beckoning at Gerard to follow her.

"I need a word with you, _Elmo._ "She said sternly and stood in the doorway until he finally started to walk towards it. It was then that she turned her attention to him,"You can stay here with her since you _say_ you're her grandson and it seems to check out. He can relay the message to you."

No one said anything further, Gerard just followed her out and then it was only them. He looks back to her warily, not sure how to go about things. Thing's had really changed since he'd been gone. He wasn't really sure what to make of it.

"Have a muffin, Frank, you're a growing boy and at your age you could use all the nutrients you could get. You'd probably have a growth spurt if you didn't eat like a rabbit." His grandma holds out the container until he finally takes one and nibbles on one side after a pointed look from her. At least one thing hadn't changed about her though he wasn't quite sure exactly how old she thought he was but he wasn't going to push the issue if he could help it.

"I've been a vegetarian for years now, grandma. I won't be giving that up anytime soon." Frank tries his best to hold a somewhat normal conversation with her, like old times but it was too obvious how his attempts failed. Who _was_ this woman? It had years since he had last seen her but in all his life she had never been like _this._ What had happened. What went so desperately wrong?

Frank tucked his hands into his pockets as he waited for a response that didn't come. Instead the bitchy woman from before came back with a tray holding only a sandwich and a cocktail of medicines. She pushes past him without a word and sets the tray down in her lap before turning back to him.

"It's best if you left now and didn't make too much of a fuss. We don't her to get upset, your friend is waiting outside. He has the number you can call if you want to schedule a visit with her, it's the only way my company can allow you to come back." With that said, she turns back to give his grandma her full attention and doesn't pay him any mind at all.

He lingers there for a moment, a lump rising in his throat as exits the room and makes his way down the hallway. It gets harder and harder to breathe with each step he takes but soon enough he's outside, walking to the car without saying a word to Gerard. 

"Everything okay, Frank?" And just like that what little control he had over himself breaks and it all seems to come crashing down on him. Gerard quickly came from around the vehicle and pulled him into a tight hug, the only thing that kept him from falling.

"S-she's not herself, Gee, she was never like that. I don't know what fucking _happened_ to her. She looks so close to death, I just- _Fuck."_ Frank stumbles over his words, truly unaware to how loud he was being. His face felt numb and still damp as the cool breeze hits it.

"It's not her fault. She has Alzheimer's and more than a few medical problems. We were lucky to even come on a good day, from what Gertrude said Lillian can even become hostile and disoriented to the point where she has to be sedated. I'm sorry, Frank, we could have never known this was going to happen." Gerard says gently, stroking Frank's dark hair like you might a pet.

Frank stares up at the bright sky forlornly over Gerard's shoulder," I wish it didn't have to be this way, her being so fucking confused and out of her mind for however long but I guess there's nothing I can do is there? She barely even knew who I was in there."

"Some things we can't change, Frankie. You of all people should know that better than anyone. C'mon we've got one more stop, remember?"

~~~~~~~

 

Frank sat down carefully in front of their graves, smiling bitterly at the little pile of flower stems on each one. He wish he had thought to bring some daisies along with him, it had been a tradition of his own to bring some when he came to visit them. They had loved daisies to the very end. 

Sometimes he wonders what life would be like if they hadn't died that night. If just maybe everything might have turned out right for once. All his mistakes could have been avoided and his family would still be whole. It could never happen though, he had made sure of that.

"It's a lot to take in right? I used to sit here and talk to Elena's grave, it was kind of soothing I guess. She always gave the best advice." Gerard smiled at him so brightly but he kept his head down, picking at a rip in his jeans."You know I never did find out...but how did they pass?"

"Car accident. I was there you know. Not that I remember very much it anyways. At the same time I don't think I could ever forget it. Come to think of it, they'd probably still be alive if it wasn't for me." Frank sucks in a shaky breath and looks up at their tombstones. They had known even before they died that they wanted to be buried together, their love didn't end at death they had said.

"Frank, you couldn't hav-"Before Gerard finished what he was saying, Frank cut him off.

"I'm completely serious, Gerard. The newspapers only said they had been in a car accident a little before midnight, you want to know why? Because of _me._ I remember laying there surrounded by darkness and even then I realised I was alone. They were trying to save me and I got them killed. Of all the things I forgot that night, that wasn't one of them."

"Oh, hun."Gerard sighs and puts his arm around Frank's shoulders."You're gonna have to learn sometime that you can't take the blame for everything. We just have to learn to accept things sometimes and move on. It's in the past, Frank, and I get the feeling your parents wouldn't have wanted you to carry this on your shoulders all these years."

"It's not really that easy, Gerard, to just...let go. You really like to give advice don't you? You must get it from your grandma. I don't mean that as an insult by the way. I mean it is annoying sometimes but you're right...in a really wrong way a lot.

"I'm just going to ignore that last part in favour of the rest. She tought me nearly everything I know and she never sent me the wrong way." Gerard leans his head on Frank's shoulder as they watched sun go down, the sky brilliant shades of orange and red that filled the whole sky until its end. Everything had to come to an end sometime.

Finally after a while Gerard stumbled to his feet, dusting leaves and strays pieces of grass off his pants before he sticks a hand out to pull Frank off the ground. He brushed off his own clothing and pushed his bangs out of his eyes, turning back to face Gerard with a hint of a smile playing on his lips. He grabbed him by the collar of the hoodie and pulled him down for a kiss,"I love you."

"I know."He said finally after they broke apart and started off towards the car,"We better get going if we don't want to be murdered."

Frank nods slowly, trying ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach. They weren't anything, not really anyways. He couldn't expect Gerard to feel the same way, not even after all they had been through together. It wasn't something he could change.

 


	17. I wonder why

_**~~~~~~~~Chapter Sixteen~~~~~~~~~** _

 

It was completely dark as they drove back, not even the moon gave off any light tonight. The street lights were the only thing lighting the way for them other than the shitty headlights on their rental car. It was mostly quiet as they finally got back to his old neighborhood, their silence giving away what would otherwise be unknown. 

Once they had parked in the driveway, Frank got out without a word, his expression carefully blank but Gerard knew well that there was a lot more going on with him than what anyone saw. Perhaps it was just because he actually tried to look out for signs something was wrong unlike so many others who never looked past their outside appearance. One thing was for sure though, something was definitely off about Frank and he had a feeling it had to do with him.

As they walked inside, instead of stopping to greet the people around him he chooses to ignore them all in favour of disappearing down the hallway where he was surely going back to the basement to sulk. He sighs and runs an ink stained hand through his recently washed hair, he's going to have to go down there sometime and make things right. 

 _"Jeez,_ what's his problem?" Lindsey exclaimed and Jamia is quick to nod her head in agreement. It was so obvious how attached they were to each other. He's not exactly sure how he missed it back then.

Gerard thinks for a few minutes of how he could _possibly_ explain what had gone on today," It's just been a long day is all. His grandmother...isn't exactly in the best condition and I think this has just been a really rough day for him. I'm going to go down and talk to him so, um, we should be back up later."

He doesn't wait for a response before heading off down the hallway himself, getting closer and closer to the basement and what would surely be a _long_ conversation. Not that he minds, of course, but he knew that with long conversations came realisations and perhaps eventually even sharing things about yourself you wouldn't even think was possible to share with others. He had to be cautious with the way he approached things, and what he shared with Frank.

He really did love Frank, though he knew the other man didn't know. He couldn't let him know. At least not yet. They still had a ways to go before he felt comfortable enough to open himself up to him like that after all they'd been through. He had already come to terms with his feelings and the fact that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with that stupidly short man. He had known that since he was quite young and this was a chance to make this his reality, the one he had always wanted but never thought he could have.

Gerard thought to knock before he entered, unsure if Frank would really want his company. He rapped on the door two quick, short times and waited patiently for an answer if he would even get one. There's mostly silence afterwards but sure enough he hears a soft," _Come in_." And that's all he needs before he entering the basement bedroom, shutting the door carefully behind him and making his way down the stairs.

Frank is laid out on the bed, his body hidden by the mounds of blankets surrounding him. He doesn't acknowledge Gerard's presence though he's quite sure Frank knows he's there. It looked like he'd have to start then, they'd have to have this talk at some point whether he likes it or not.

"Everything okay, Frank?" Gerard questions calmly though he already knows the answer. It's a better start then nothing at all.

Frank breathes in sharply before replying with his words slightly muffled but still audible,"Everything's great. Just fucking... _peachy_."

The redhead sighs and shifts in his seat, subtly edging closer to him."Listen, Frankie. I know something's wrong and I won't try to push the issue but I'd really like it if you would talk to me about it. If we're going to have something then we're going to need to learn to communicate."

"I said nothing's wrong alright? Just leave it alone." Frank snaps, moving his hand in some inane gesture before stilling suddenly.

"You don't have to tell me yet, okay? I know you want this to work out and you seriously don't know how fucking much I want that too. What comes first is- " Gerard rambles on before Frank cuts him off abruptly.

"I _said_ leave it. I just...I just don't want to do this right now, okay?" Frank states flatly, picking his head up the slightest bit,"Go visit your family, Gee. We'll have plenty of time for this shit when we get back."

"Frank I- " Gerard starts to protest but he doesn't manage to get much out.

"End. Of. Discussion. Just go visit your family while you've still got the chance. I'm just going to stay down here. I'm not good company right now anyways." He says stubbornly."If we really have to we can talk about this when we get back to New York." He lays his head back down and its clear its not debatable.

Gerard hesitates, not really wanting to leave Frank down here all by himself to mope but he _does_ have a point. He needs to spend time with his family before they left tomorrow afternoon. It was clear though that Frank wasn't going to change his mind so easily after its already been made up, he'd always been stubborn like that.

"I know I've got to but don't think I'm just going to leave you down here alone." He warns as he rises to his feet. He reaches out to Frank for a moment but quickly snatches his hand back. It was obvious Frank was upset right now, there was no need to make it worse.

With that in mind, he headed up the stairs trying desperately to ignore the ache that flaired up in his stomach as he exited the room, leaving Frank to brood. Perhaps it didn't matter now, but sooner or later they'd have to get to the root of the problem. Still, he could only hope things wouldn't be to strained until then. 

It takes a moment for him to realise the once inhabited living room was completely empty. He looks around with just the slightest hint of a frown before setting off in search of anyone he could find. There wasn't really any point in just standing there until they came back.

"I thought it was just Mikey who was blind but I guess I was wrong. Jeez how hard is it to look left?" Gerard almost jumps out of his skin as he's suddenly aware of the presence behind him.

 _"Fuck,_ don't do that! You scared the everliving fuck out of me." He hisses as Pete starts to laugh, loud and obnoxious. What did his brother even see in this doofus?

"Yeah, yeah. C'mon, don't want to keep everyone waiting." Pete points to the kitchen as if Gerard could possibly miss it before heading back through.

He hesitates for a moment but follows behind him and sure enough everyone was there, standing around calmly as if they hadn't watched him pass by again and again. They all stare at him unnervingly still before Lindsey cracks a grin, looking smug as she turned to face Pete." I fucking told you, now pay up."

Pete pulled a face and waved his hand dismissively,"You have no _proof."_

She grinned wickedly at him,"Oh yeah? Just look at him, it's pretty obvious. Look at the way he's walking."

"That doesn't mean anything!"

Mikey groans, running a hand over his face before grabbing Gerard's arm and leading him safely out of the kitchen without a word. Gerard doesn't try to resist though he wasn't quite sure where he was going. Hanging out with his brother was better than listening to those two argue. From what he had seen so far, it seemed like they could probably go on for hours.

"So...What was that about?"

Mikey gives him a pained look." Trust me, you don't want to know."

Gerard frowns but doesn't respond, knowing Mikey was most likely right. He had idea of what they were bickering about and he _definitely_ didn't want his suspicions to be confirmed.

"Where's mom?" He said suddenly, clearly startling Mikey as they stopped at the stairs.

"Right here! Ready for game night?"His mother appears out of nowhere, effectively scaring both of them though it doesn't visibly show on Mikey.

"G-Game night?"Gerard manages to choke out, taking a deep breath before he turns around.

She made a noise of disapproval before turning to Mikey."Didn't you tell him?"

"Didn't get around to it. Pete and Lindsey found him first."He responds in a monotone voice. 

She sighs, shaking her head and starts the hallway where they'd be sure to find Lindsey and Pete still arguing. He just hoped they wouldn't continue when she brought them in here for 'game night'. Something told him this wasn't going to be any fun. There was sure to be at least one person to ask questions he really didn't have the energy to answer.

Gerard takes a seat on the right end of the couch, carefully distancing himself as much as possible from the others. He'd always hated being overly close to other people. He scooted over the slightest bit as Lindsey takes the only seat left which was right next to him.

His mother dropped at least four board games on the floor, grinning widely as she looked around at them all. She takes the armchair as her own before grabbing a board game off the top and sets it down on the coffee table. From where he is sitting he can just barely see that she had chosen Monopoly.... _of course._

"How nice, we've finally got the whole family here ready for game night!" She says cheerfully, helping Mikey set up the board game.

Gerard glances at the people around him, seemingly oblivious to his very existence as they carry on their own conversations. It had always been like this since he was very young. He'd had very little to say to _anyone._ That is...until he met Frank. Being quiet wasn't even a thing where Frank was concerned.

Lindsey turns to him suddenly,"Hey speaking of- Where's Iero? We haven't seen him since he rushed off earlier."

"He's um- Well he's not feeling well right now. I'm hoping he'll be feeling better when we leave tomorrow." Gerard stumbles over his words, pushing his hair out of his face before continuing," He can be a real pain when he's sick."

" _Sure_." She says knowingly but thankfully doesn't say anything more. He really doesn't want to get into this right now.

He stifles a sigh, looking up to the ceiling irritably. Something told him this was going to be a _very_ long night.

 


	18. Beginning of the end

**_~~~~~~~Chapter Seventeen~~~~~~~~_ **

 

So this was it. He keeps his face carefully blank and tries to ignore the way his stomach clinches as Gerard says his goodbyes. 

Frank takes a sip of his water and stares out his window forlornly. He was supposed to feel happy for Gerard; excited to finally be heading back New York but he just...wasn't. All he felt was dread, knowing he was going to be stuck in a car with the other man for the next two hours.

It wasn't that he suddenly couldn't stand Gerard anymore. It was just painful to say the least. At any point in time Gerard could try to start up a conversation with him about what happened yesterday and that was just something he wasn't ready to talk about with him yet. They'd have to at some point. He just didn't want it to be right now.

It had been a long day yesterday and an exceedingly long weekend. He was ready to get back to his apartment and hide underneath his comforter forever. Or at least as long as he possibly could without missing work. It was something he never looked forward to but it payed the bills so he kept at it, and at least he co workers weren't half bad.

Frank tenses up as Gerard gets into the driver's seat, waving out the window once he had cranked the car up. He dared to take a glance at the other man and quickly turned back the other way when he noticed that Gerard was looking his way. Soon they pulled off and were heading down the street. They'd be leaving New Jersey soon enough.

~~~~

 

Frank lets his eyes slide shut, rubbing at his temple as he felt the beginnings of a migraine. _Great_ , that'd be productive to him getting any sleep. He sighed lowly and layed back on his bed, it was always the best feeling in the world after a long, strenuous day.

This was all the time he left. Tomorrow morning he'd be returning to his normal life. He'd go to work, listen to everyone's bullshit then go home where he would fall asleep alone. Like it had always been. 

Things were fucked up with Gerard, sure, but there had never been anything solid between them. He had no way of knowing what was going to happen with them, but the way it was looking right now was pretty grim. He didn't even know where they stand at this point. After all he _had_ been acting like an ass ever since they got back from the cemetery, it would make sense for Gerard to be put off by it.

With that in mind, he soon drifted off. Getting some much needed rest.

_Gerard giggled, flushing red as they continued to walked through the nearly empty hallway. Frank grinned at him brightly and sneakily took Gerard's hand in his. His eyes immediately went wide but he didn't pull away, only smiled back at him looking more pretty than he'd ever seen a boy look before. He didn't even know boys could be so pretty!_

_"Fags." Someone coughs from behind him and he turns, his smile quickly becoming a frown._

_"Go away, Bert. No one wants to hear your made up words." Frank says cluelessly, not completely understanding the pinched looked on Gerard's face. Why did he look so upset?_

_"It means you-" Bert starts._

_"Shut up, Bert. I mean it!" Gerard says fiercely, glaring at him with the hatred a sixth grader could possibly have."Don't you go telling him that nonsense."_

_"Fag means you like boys, stupid."Bert spits out nastily."It's disgusting and you're going to hell. Everyone knows it too and they hate you for it, especially you Gerald."_

_Before he even knows it, he's punching Bert right in his stupid face with such force he knocks him to the ground. Instantly he backs up, glaring at him from Gerard's side. He reaches up and pats Gerard's brown haired head gently._

_"It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He doesn't need any of you losers anyways. He's got me!"_

Frank jerks awake abruptly, covered in cold sweat as he sat up in his bed. The dim light of his bedside lamp was the only thing left lighting his room. He had obviously forgotten to turn it off before he had fallen asleep and for once, he was glad. The last thing he could handle right now was waking to the darkness.

Sometimes the memories he had of them made life so hard to stand, especially in times like these when things between them were strained. He couldn't help but feel like this was mostly his fault. Gerard didn't need to love him for them to start a working relationship, _hell_ he'd had relationships built on less. He just really wished Gerard loved him back. But it was okay. Things would work out. He was sure of it. They just _had_ to.

Frank just barely catches a glimpse of light through his curtains and its enough for him to finally think to look at his alarm clock. Its red numbers read out 3:00 am and he eases himself back down once he sees it. A little more sleep would do him some good.

~~~

 

"I don't know."Frank said plainly, not bothering to look up.

Patrick made a noise of frustration and sat in the other unoccupied chair beside Dallon."How do you _not_ know. You were there!"

Frank sighs,"I'm telling you, Patrick. _I don't know_." He ran a hand through his overly long hair and sat back in his chair.

"You're holding out on us."Dallon accuses, jumping up from his chair." We'll be back!" And with that he storms out the room, pulling a wide eyed Patrick with him.

Frank finally lifts his head up from some long overdue paperwork. This was just the first of what would surely be a _very_ long week. At least they were gone- for now. He could due without all those questions. It was already obvious he'd have to acknowledge what had happened last weekend but for now he'd prefer to pretend it didn't exist.

"Frank?" _Fuck_ he shouldn't have spoken so soon.

He looks to the door and instead of Patrick or god forbid _Gabe_ , he finds Joe staring back at him. He frowns,"Yeah?"

"Brian wants to see you in his office- now. He says it's important." Joe replies slowly before backing out into the hallway. He can distinctly hear Joe's heavy footsteps as he gets farther and farther down the hallway.

Frank cracks his knuckles and stands with a wince. He takes a quick peek out his door to make sure no one was coming his way before he made the short walk down the hall, the last thing he wanted was to run into Patrick again and all his nosy questions. He stops at the last office, rapping on the door two short times before opening the door. Here goes nothing.

"You want to see me, Mr. Schecter?"Frank asks, stepping into his office awkwardly. It wasn't often that the boss called on him.

"Don't look so worried, Iero. You're not in any trouble."Mr. Schecter answered, sitting back in his armchair," I just wanted to see how things went last weekend."

Frank rubbed his hand against the nape of his neck and frowned," Everything went...okay, sir. There were a few altercations but nothing that will effect my work."

"That's what I like to hear."He responds, saying nothing further.

Frank makes a move towards the door, assuming that Mr. Schecter was finished. Before he can get to the hallway he hears a cough and reluctantly turns back. Mr. Schecter has the slightest hint of a smile to his lips, an insane sight to behold really. He was known to be a real tightass around the office.

"Frank."

"Yes?"

"Despite what everyone says, I'm not going to rip your head off. Call me Brian...everyone does." Mr. Sch- _Brian_ said before waving his hand towards the door." Go on and get back to work now. Oh and tell Patrick to stay out of Brian's office."

Frank nodded slowly,"Will do, sir." He then turned and got the hell out of his office as quickly as he could manage.

It didn't take long for him to get back at his own and soon enough he had started on the work that was needed for the day. His mind wandered as he continued on through the mountain of paperwork that sat on his wooden desk. He'd be glad when he could go home, it was all he had to look forward to really.

After a while Frank sat back with a groan and stared up at the clock. _Great_ , only an hour left. He sighed and looked at the paperwork with disdain, while the pile _was_ getting smaller it was happening at a snails pace. It seemed almost endless.

Frank nearly jumped out of his skin as Patrick seemingly appeared out of nowhere right in front of his desk. Patrick's eyes went wide when he realised he had Frank's attention and shifted from one foot to the other. 

" _Goddamn_ , warn a guy next time would you?" Frank cursed lowly, watching Patrick fiddle with the edge of his fedora."What is it?"

"I uh- Well Andy recommended I say sorry for being so nosy about your private matters so I'm here now." He stumbles over his words." Also I don't think you know this but we can leave an hour early now so I thought I should tell you."

"Thanks Patrick. I'll see you later okay?" Frank fought to keep his extreme annoyance out of his tone. It wouldn't be fair for him to snap at Patrick over something that didn't concern him at all.

"Yeah, okay."Patrick nodded slowly along with his words," By the way my band has a show next Friday night. We, er, just thought you should know in case you weren't doing anything then."

"I'll try to make it." He replied shortly, stacking his finished paperwork into its own pile. It would only be when his desk was decently neat that he'd be ready to leave.

"Yeah, well...you do that." Patrick mumbled awkwardly."See you tomorrow."

"Yeah. Bye, Pat."

He could feel Patrick's eyes on him as he slowly backed into the hallway, all the way till he finally left but he kept his head down. It doesn't take too long before his desk generally tidy, a cursory glance around the office as a whole reveals it to be empty save for a few co workers of his that he couldn't name off the top of his head if it killed him.

Frank made sure his own office was locked before he headed out of the building and down the sidewalk just outside in the chilly night air. He shivered and shoved his hands into his coat pockets, making a mental note to buy gloves sometime soon. He'd have to if he wanted to continue to have functional hands.

His apartment really isn't that far away from his workplace, only two blocks actually but in this cold weather it seemed like a million. Around him the streets were suspiciously empty around him, maybe one or two people passing by in the time it takes to get to his apartment building. Frank keeps his head down as he passes the crazy cat lady from next door on the way up the stairs, wearing the stained flower printed nightgown and ancient slippers assemble as always and mumbling nonsense to herself.

As he finally made it to his floor he shook his head and started down the hallway, digging into his pocket in search of his damn keys. He stops abruptly in the middle of the hallway just four feet from his door. His keys drop to ground as he stares with wide eyes at the man sitting at his door.

Gerard quickly catches his staring and smiled nervously, tucking a lock of his bright red hair behind his ear. 

"Hi, Frank."

 


	19. Here comes another day

**_~~~~~~~Chapter Eighteen~~~~~~~~_ **

 

Frank tapped his fingers against the kitchen counter absentmindedly as Gerard got comfortable in one of his three kitchen stools with a cotton blanket around his shoulders. His cheeks were flushed rosy pink, standing out starkly against his almost too pale skin. He wasn't completely sure but it seemed like Gerard had actually gotten a hell of a lot paler over the past few weeks.

No one had said a word since they had entered his apartment and it was really starting to get strenuous. Frank didn't even know why he was here at all. It was like he actually wanted for there to be a real fight between them.

"Why are you here." Frank blurts out suddenly before he can stop himself.

Gerard frowns and wraps the blanket tighter around himself," We need to talk, Frank, and I think you know what its about."

Frank's heart grows faster and he can barely keep his voice from cracking. So this was it, was he going to break up with him?" Maybe I do. What's it to you?"

Gerard sighed lowly, closing his eyes and running a hand over his face." We both know what this is about and the truth is I don't want to fight with you, Frankie. After all the shit we've been through it's the last thing I want but nothing is going to get better if we don't _talk_ about it."

"What's there to talk about then? I love you and you don't feel the same way. "Frank scoffed," What the fuck is there to say other than that?"

"I'm just saying, Frank, it might help to talk about it. We won't get anywhere if we just go on with this petty bullshit." 

"We're already not going anywhere. What's the fucking point? Arguing is not going to change a goddamn thing." He turned away from Gerard, unable to see him any longer without tears pricking up in his eyes.

"So you just want to not fucking try? I came here today because I don't want things to end this way and this is how you're going to act?" Gerard seethed disbelievingly.

Frank spun around, his expression stony." You shouldn't have come here, Gerard. I didn't want this- any of this. Just go on home and forget me. If we can't get along now then what the fuck do you think will happen when we have our next 'fight'? Who's to say this will work out at all?"

"I can't forget, Frank, just like you couldn't either. You're right; we're not getting along but that's the fucking _point_ of this entire thing. I've never done this before, I was always hung up on you so I'm not good at this. But I want to try with you, it's all I want. Just give us a chance."

"I can't do this, Gerard...I-I just can't. It just won't work, okay? We're on two completely different levels. If we're telling the truth here, yeah I fucking love you. I'm _in_ love with you and you don't feel the same. That's all there is to it." Frank said bitterly, dejected and resigned all at the same time.

Gerard ducks his head down, faded red hair falling into his face. It like a kick in the gut as Frank is suddenly reminded of the teenage versions of themselves, naive and filled with angst like it was the only thing they knew. They were so fucking naive back then. Sometimes...he wishes he could have that back. No, not go back to the horrible period of his life...just have that feeling back. 

Frank wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand and it came away wet. Was he? Yes...It seemed he was. He just couldn't help himself. He tried and fucking _tried_ to not let it get to him but in the end, he always failed. It had always been like that and had been his source of mistakes many times. Some were irreversible.

"So this is it. I just leave and we both stay miserable for the rest of our goddamn lives?" Gerard visibly shook and Frank didn't have to see him to know he was crying. His stomach clenched and he felt like throwing up, knowing well that this was all his doing." Because you know what? You're a fucking _liar_ if you say that's what you really want. After all we've been through the least you can do is tell me the truth."

"It's for the best, Gerard, please...Don't try to fight this. Just spare us both the heartache and leave." Frank didn't bother to hide the fact that he was crying, his face hot and damp as he looked on to the man in front of him. This was likely the last time they'd ever see each other again.

"Frank." Gerard looked up at him suddenly, his eyes full of pain. Frank wanted so desperately to reach out to him; to tell him it would be okay but he resisted knowing that it would only give them false hope. Who the fuck was he kidding? Frank ruined any possibility of them ever having something with each other." This can't be the end. It's barely even _started_."

"The end of _what_ , Gerard? There wasn't anything to begin with." Frank laughs harshly, rough and hollow.

Gerard stumbles to his feet, letting the blanket fall from his shoulders as he wiped fiercely at his face. He was a truly pitiful sight and as much as he tries, Frank can't look away. He fucking did this, he fucked up everything and now they were both paying the price. Gerard most of all and for that Frank would never forgive himself. He never meant for this to happen...any of it.

"You're such an _asshole_ , Frank. It's the end of _us_ and you don't even give a fuck. Maybe it's true, maybe I don't love you quite yet but at least I fucking _care_ if we get a chance. Do you? Because its really starting to seem like you don't care as much as you say you do."

Frank finds himself at a loss for words, watching Gerard get even more pissed by the second and unable to do anything. This is what he wanted isn't it? He'd rather have Gerard pissed at him than upset and potentially harmful to himself.

Gerard pushed his damp hair back from his face and glared at Frank, a thin layer of anger barely masking the pain that hides underneath." Fine, have it your way but when you finally come to your senses, Frank, there won't be any chance of an 'us' anymore. I have given you so many fucking chances and this time...I just can't fucking do it anymore. I can't let you hurt me anymore."

There wasn't anything left for him to do but suck in a sharp breath and nod his head. What was done, was done. Any possibility of them was now gone and he felt tears in his eyes once again as Gerard backed into the living room looking more upset than ever. He just hoped Gerard could forget about him and go on with his life. 

The front door slammed shut, signalling Gerard's departure and the end of everything. His whole life had always been one fuck up after another and no matter how much he tried, he always managed to drag other people down with him. Frank slumped down to the floor, his back to the cabinet doors and his legs held closely to his chest as if it could possibly stop the hollowness that resided there. In the silence his whispered words seemed to echo, words that Gerard would never get the chance to hear. 

"I'm sorry."

~~~~~

 

Frank stared up at the ceiling with burning eyes, the couch underneath him lumpy and seemingly more uncomfortable than usual with his guilt weighing him down. He couldn't help but feel like he had made the worst decision of his life though he knew it was for the best. In the end, it'd save them both from a lot of pain. Gerard was right when he said Frank couldn't forget, he didn't want to. His time with Gerard was some of the best of his life...The good times _and_ the bad. 

His back ached as he slowly sat up and pushed his hair from his face irritably. Today was sure to be the start of _many_ terrible days. He'd work days and spend every night tossing and turning no matter what lengths he goes to to finally get some sleep. That's how it always went and it was how it would always be.

He pulls his blanket over his shoulders and rose to his feet. Maybe a glass of warm milk would do him some good. It was worth a fucking shot, anything was better then having to lay here and relive the worst moments of life. He ambles into kitchen and sets out to find a saucepan and some nutmeg like his Ma used to put in his when he was really young. Cooking was something she had always been the absolute best at.

It doesn't take long for the milk to warm up after he finds everything he needs and gets it started. He's actually starting to look forward to it despite his obvious lactose intolerance which will be a bitch to deal with afterwards. Frank turns the oven off and let's it cool a bit before he picks the pan up by its handle and brings it over to his opaque glass. 

He jerks as a scream erupts outside and instead spills most of the milk on the floor. _Fuck_ What was that? He sits the pan back down on the stove and makes a mental note to clean his spill up later before going off to investigate. Really its a _terrible_ idea, this was New York after all and not the best of neighborhoods. Granted it wasn't _that_ bad but it still wasn't a great place to be especially in the middle of night. 

The sky is blurred by the rain coming down hard and fast when he makes it outside. Only a few lights are left to illuminate the outside world, leaving him in mostly darkness. At first glance, it seems he's completely alone but as he looks closely he spots a hunched over figure on the very top step of the stairs. Frank closes the door behind him and starts to edge closer to get a better look at them.

"Hey, you! Did you hear that?" Frank asks, stopping not far from the stairs. He sees them shift but no answer comes. As Frank started to move again, the light hit them just right and he caught a flash of red. Could it be..?

"Gerard...Is that you?" As he reached the stairs his suspicions were confirmed, catching sight of the side of Gerard's too pale face and red hair that he could spot from a mile."What are you-"

Gerard cut him off abruptly." It's raining." He responded in a dull tone, staring hopelessly out into the rain.

"Gerard, I-" Frank sighed and ran his hand over his face. This was a _terrible_ idea." You should come inside."

"I guess." Gerard replied, but made no move to stand.

Frank stared at him for a moment before getting even closer to him and sticking out his hand. He knew he couldn't just leave Gerard out here but there was only so much he could do. Gerard stared blankly at Frank's hand before a frown appeared on his face and he grabbed it. Frank helped him to his feet and headed back towards his apartment door, not far behind him he can hear Gerard's footsteps. That was...good.

It was once they were back inside that he realised he still had that damn blanket around his shoulders. He pulled it off and awkwardly handed it to Gerard who seemed to be shivering." You, um, probably need this."

Gerard only nodded and shuffled towards the couch, his head down as Frank went off to search for another blanket for him. It was still rather chilly despite the fact it was getting near Spring. Even with things so fucked up between as they were now, he still wasn't going to freeze the guy.

He brought it back into the living room with him along with a pillow tucked under his arm. He suddenly struck with a sense of déjà vu and his mind immediately goes back to that day, just before they'd left for their trip back to Jersey. It was funny how quickly things could change.

Everything is quiet as he hands the pillow and extra blanket to Gerard. He's still in the same place as before Frank left but now staring down at his feet, looking anywhere but at him. There's dark bags around his eyes, purplish and looking bruised like he hadn't slept in forever. Perhaps he hadn't. It's so utterly similar to when they were kids and they'd stay up all night watching horror movies and pretending he _totally_ wasn't scared except he really kind of was, they both were.

"Listen, Gerard-"

Gerard looked up at him suddenly with tired eyes," It's okay, Frank...Really. If this is what you really want then there's nothing I can do to change that. I won't force you to have a relationship with me if you don't want to be."

"You know I love you! It's just- It won't work out and we both know it."

"You can love someone without wanting to be in a relationship with them, Frank. There are even people that are in relationships who don't love each other yet. I'm just saying it's okay, okay? I just wish I had known sooner then maybe I could have spared myself." Gerard said simply.

"Spared yourself from what?" Frank asked warily, a strange feeling in his stomach as he watched Gerard pull his legs up onto the couch.

"From you." It was like a punch in the gut to hear it right from Gerard and he couldn't help but feel sick to his stomach." From having to open myself up to someone else after all these years just for it be all for nothing. Now I just have to lose you all over again."

Frank plopped down at the end of the couch, his legs suddenly to weak to hold him." I guess you wish you never met me, huh?"

Gerard smiles sadly and pulls his legs to his chest." If there's one thing I'll never regret....It's meeting you. None of the bad times can even touch on the very first time we met. We were so young...and stupid. I had no idea why I felt the way I did, why it was so hard to breathe all of a sudden. Do you remember that day, Frank?"

"How could I forget?" He couldn't help what happened in the past but he knew he wouldn't let himself forget, he couldn't. The past was all he had left, his only clue to...before." I thought you had an old man's name and the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen."

Gerard laughed suddenly, loud and surprisingly bright despite their grim situation." Like you were the one to talk, _Frank_."

Frank smiled in spite of himself, deep in thought as he traced the pattern on his horrifyingly ugly couch. At least things wouldn't be so tense between them in the morning. He hadn't expected _this_ but it was a welcome change though he knew it would make things even rougher when it came to saying goodbye. Gerard's eyes met his when he finally glanced up and he suddenly realised they had been sitting in total silence for who knows how long.

Frank broke the silence after what seemed an eternity, refusing to look up any longer." You were right you know. I can't forget. About us or the things we've been through. But that doesn't matter, we're just better off staying away from each other. We were cursed from the start and it always ends in pain."

Gerard sighed quietly and pulled the blanket around him tighter." How do we know if we don't try?"

"The past doesn't lie, Gerard. Every time we've come into contact it ended it tragedy. I was stupid to persue you that very first time....I know that now."

"Even after all this time....I'd be willing to take that risk." Frank jerked in surprise as Gerard placed his hand over Frank's, the slightest curve to his mouth as their eyes met once again.

He almost expected Gerard to lean closer and perhaps even kiss him but he stayed where he was, a faint blush to his cheeks. Frank knew he should take his hand back, discourage this kind of behavior until Gerard is out the door and inevitably out of his life but he couldn't find the strength within himself to.

"To tell you the truth, I'd rather try and fail then not try at all. At least then we wouldn't be left to dwell on the _'what ifs'_." 

"Yeah." Frank broke his gaze away from Gerard to look towards the tiny bit of articial light peeking in through a gap in his curtains, his voice low and thoughtful.

"So you agree?"

"What?" Frank frowned." Yes, I- No. I don't know okay? I never...I only wanted what's best for the both of us."

Gerard is quiet for a moment before scooting closer to Frank." I can't say for sure about you but I know for fact that you're the best thing for me right now. I've missed you, Frankie, so fucking much and I don't want to lose you...Not yet."

"You're all I want." Frank admitted, his heart nearly beating out of his chest. _Fuck_ what was he doing?" All I've ever wanted really. You're on my mind most days even when its not good for me. I just...I didn't want it to all be for nothing, okay? I don't want to miss out on us but if there isn't a possibility of _us_ in the future then there isn't any good reason for us being more than an idea."

"I don't know what the future holds, Frank, but I do know I liked to spend it with you if I could." Gerard smiles, so fucking hopeful it almost hurts to see.

Frank kisses him. He doesn't exactly know what compelled him to but there was no taking it back now. Gerard's lips were warm against his, on just the wrong side of dry but he couldn't care less. Gerard made a noise of surprise and leaned in closer, one hand on Frank's shoulder and the other intertwined with Frank's. For the first time in years....He felt like he was home. Moments later, they broke apart. 

"If it's cool with you I'd really love to spend the night." He says softly, brushing his bangs back from his flushed face.

"You might as well. And you can sleep in my bed if you want." Frank chuckles lowly." Something tells me you'll end up there anyways."

"And in the morning we'll talk." 

"Yeah, we'll talk." There's quiet between them for a moment before Frank stands." C'mon let's get some sleep." 

They head for his bedroom in silence, it's not too uncomfortable and for that he's glad. They'd have plenty of time for that in the morning but for now....He'd like to savour the moment, for all they knew it could be gone by tomorrow. And if it did...Well he'd just have to make peace with it. It was the only thing he could do.

They got settled into bed soon enough, no real space between them as they layed there together in the darkness. Frank stared up the ceiling and glanced down at the man nestled into his side. His eyes were shut now and his hair a dark mess over his pallid face. He looked...serene for lack of a better word, like there was nothing that could hurt him right now.

"I love you." Frank whispered, a half smile rising to his face." So fucking much." 

Gerard gave his hand a light squeeze and even in the darkness he could see the smallest hint of a smile. They'd be alright. They had to be. It's the last thought in his mind as sleep swept him away and there was nothing.

_"It'll be okay, Frankie." Gerard whispered fiercely, tears rolling down his too pale face," I'll be back in no time."_

_Frank sniffled, wiping at his eyes with the end of his sleeves." I wish you didn't have to leave. I'll miss you."_

_Gerard attempted a smile but it failed, quickly turning to a frown. Frank wrapped his arms tightly around Gerard's chubby middle." I don't have a choice. The doctor said I needed to go."_

_"She's stupid then! There's nothing wrong with you. Everyone gets sad sometimes." Frank said angrily, pulling back from Gerard to cross his small arms._

_"Yeah."For a moment Gerard looks older than his twelve years." Don't worry, Frankie. I'll be back before you know it. You'll hardly know I'm gone."_

_"You promise to write?"_

_Gerard crosses his heart with a solemn face." They won't be able to stop me if I can help it." Frank frowns._

_"We'll be alright, Frankie. I promise."_

 


	20. Epilogue

**~~~~~~~Epilogue~~~~~~~~**

 

**_Three months later_ **

 

Frank smiled and ran his hand over his recently shorn head. He finally gotten around to getting it cut last week _with_ some help from Gerard. He had entrusted him with the responsibility of choosing where to go and he had definitely chosen correctly. It was strange, having such short hair after having that long tangled mess for so long but it was a welcome change.

There had been _a lot_ of changes ever since he and Gerard had worked things out with each other. It had taken them some time, but before long they were closer than ever. And yeah they still had their fucking problems but didn't every couple? It was slow going but they were learning how to be more open with each other and work out their problems _together_.

Frank glanced up from his folding to Gerard dusting the shelves of hi- _their_ apartment. So much for not jumping the gun. They had moved in together about a month back and so far things were going okay....mostly. It was difficult to adjust to living with another human being after being on his own for so long.

It was so fucking worth it though. In the end all of it was. Gerard may not have been his whole life but he was fucking part of it and that's all Frank wanted. He lived for the moments they had together even the simple ones like being able to wake up with Gerard at his side or even cleaning together...like now. It was times like these that he couldn't help but to just watch Gerard sometimes and think just how fucking lucky he was.

"Take a picture, it'd last longer." Gerard giggled quietly, his cheeks pink when he turned his head to look back at Frank.

"I could." Frank replied, a smile threatening to rise onto his face once again." We could take millions of pictures and hang them up all over."

Gerard laughed suddenly, sounding as hilarious as as always but its still the most beautiful thing he'd ever heard." I think that would make Mikey uncomfortable when he comes to visit."

"He'll just have to deal with it...Just like we all have to deal with his and Pete's weirdness." Frank makes a face, shaking his head at the very thought of those two." I mean I'm happy for them and all but _dude_ they have to be weirdest couple ever. It has to be a miracle of some sorts for them to actually work together like they do."

Gerard rolled his eyes but his smile remained as he turned around and slowly made his way to Frank's side," Oh and we're not? Look at us, Frankie, we are nowhere near normal. I like that about us though, we have our own kind of normal at this point." He moved closer to Frank, their faces only inches away and his breathing gets quicker when suddenly Gerard giggled lowly and added," And at least we aren't related like Brendon and Ryan."

Frank laughed good-naturedly and gave Gerard a light shove before turning back to his folding," Point."

Gerard plopped down on their couch with a low groan and grabbed a gray shirt seemingly at random from the basket. They quickly fell back into routine, folding each piece of clothing neatly in silence. Many Saturdays were spent like this, cleaning up after a week of running around frantic because of work or whatever was stressing either of them out. This was like time for themselves or rather time for them to enjoy each others company without any of the week's problems leaking in.

"Hey, Frank?" Gerard looked up at him through his eyelashes, the slightest hint of a smile ghosting on his lips.

"Yeah, Gee." He smiled brightly down at him, leaning over to gently sweep Gerard's bang away from his face.

"I love you."

"I love you too."


End file.
